I really am a boring person when I’m home. I just hang out at the house. I hang out with my cat I got a cat named Jessica (audience chuckles) Thank you. I’m a cat person, are there any other cat people out there? (some audience members cheer) Got some cat people here nice. I’m guessing the rest of you are dog people is that what it is yeah? (audience cheers) Yeah, I’m not anti dog , you know, every time I tell someone I’m a cat person What does that mean? You don’t like dogs? No, that’s not what that means it just means. I like other people’s dogs (laughter) I like dogs. I just like them over there and I’ll play with them, but then go back over there I don’t like that kind of energy in my house You know what I mean that annoying dog best friend in your face all the time energy, just like “YEEAAAAHH!” “I LOVE YOU HAHAHAHA!” “YOU’RE HOME WHERE’VE YOU BEEN??? NYAHAHAHAHAH!!” It creeps me out. I don’t care for that I don’t like that at all, just in your face like “YOU WANNA GO OUT?? THERE’S A TREE!” “I KNOW THIS TREE! YOU WANNA HANG OUT AT THIS TREE?? WHAT IF I JUST KEEP BREATHING INTO YOUR FACE? HAHAHAHAHA!” EEugh All the time? No thank you That’s why I like cats cats more like “Hey, what are you up to? Nevermind I just remembered. I don’t care” “I’ll be in the kitchen, I’ll see you later.” I Like that. I don’t need a best friend at the house. I just need like an apathetic roommate That sometimes wants to hang out Like a dog you can pet a dog’s belly all day. They’ll never get tired of it Just all day just like “Yeah, man. Never stop. You’re the best! HAHAHAHA!” Hopefully not that creepy, but you get the idea A cat you can pet for what two, maybe three seconds since it’s like “All right get away from me.” “I got my own things going on, I got a pile of clean laundry to lay on, get away from me.” That’s what my cat does it waits for the pile of clean laundry We haven’t folded yet, and just rubs on it while making eye contact. Just like “Mm-hmm.” “Everyone’s gonna know.” So bothersome My wife, she has a new hobby, she’s really into special needs animals. I don’t know if that’s made its way out here in Provo If you don’t know what special needs animals. They’re animals, they have special needs (audience laughs) That is all There’s this one, Oscar the blind cat, it was a cat That was born without any eyes, and they have a like page on Facebook and my wife goes on there every day and cries And that’s what she does for fun. That’s what she does for a good time, and it’s weird cuz I come home And she’s just on the computer (crying noises) And you know me being a guy I was thinking something I did And then she goes no, and then she turns the computer and it’s Oscar the blind cat “Look at Oscar.” And he’s adorable he has no eyes (whimper) and I’m like (mournful sigh) And she goes “I want a special-needs animal, I want one.” I’m like “You don’t ask for one you get bestowed one. Cuz I don’t know. What do you you can’t just go to the pound be like “Hey, hey, what do you have in the back?” like that’s not how that works “I need like a three-legged dog or a cat with something. What do you have?” You can’t do that You know we got Jessica at the pound, that’s where we got Jessica, and we didn’t name her Jessica They named her at the pound and people always ask. Why don’t you change your name cuz that’s wrong. You don’t change someone’s name That’s rude like if you adopt a kid from another country. You can’t just be like “Yep can’t pronounce that your name’s Jeff now.” That’s rude. You learn that person’s name so I got a cat named Jessica Very much your thing Jessica’s overweight she weighs more than she should for a cat Which sucks cuz when people come over no one blames the cat in that scenario You know what I mean no one comes over and goes what happened here, sweetheart a little heavy on the carbs?
No They look at you, and they go what’d you do to her? And that’s not fair cuz I try we have the laser pointer. I got the stick with the feather I’m always running around my house “Come on, sweetheart. Let’s get the cardio going” She’s not that into it, my wife and I we bought diet formula kibble They make diet formula kibble, and they have rules just one cup per day cuz you’re on a diet Jessica We tried But then at 2:00 in the morning Jessica would come into our bedroom at night climb onto our bed and then stand on my head Twenty two and a half pounds of her you guys on my skull and she would come down into my ear and just go “MEEEEEEEERRRRRR, MEEEEEEEEERRR” and I’m like “Yeah, you’re right this diet is over. I had no idea that’s how you felt about it. I apologize.” “I’m getting up right now and cooking you some bacon. Let’s get after it.” (audience claps) I don’t have any children But if I’m out in public and I see a parent of an overweight child I make eye Contact and I go “I get it. “Does the little fella standing on your head at night and scream in your ear?” “I get it give him what he wants, we need our sleep.” My wife and I we sleep on a memory foam mattress That’s what we say, but anyone else here rockin the memory foam mattress? It’s the best mattress in the world It’s most comfortable is it not? It’s the best, that mattress is made for sleeping and sleeping only Don’t do anything else on my mattress, it was not created for that That is not why scientists came together just make for resting comfortably and that is it I know cuz we tried and it sucks every time. It’s like trying to wrestle in quicksand It is the worst you just start sinking in slowly (audience laughing) “Stay calm, stay calm! Just try to get your leg out just breathe keep your eyes open!” “Keep your eyes on the horizon try to get your leg out, get your leg out! I’m gonna get some help, Jessica!” “We need some help!” But she can’t help, she just stands on our backs and pushes us in further Subscribe to drive our comedy for even more of the world’s largest collection of clean comedy