you’re too nice to be here. -I just realized that.
-Yeah, I– Well, -I’m gonna try my best.
-Well, you look very nice. Thank you for coming.
And you look okay. -All right.
-Um… No, he looks cool. -I look amazing.
-You always look good. I’m like the real Joe Dirt,
you know? Yeah, you are like a Joe Dirt.
I like that. I’m just here to try to get
in Joe Dirt 3. That’s all right. We got some ideas cooking. Might go to the moon. Shh. Um, Jennifer Lawrence– we all know
lovely Jennifer Lawrence– she’s getting married
this weekend to Cooke Maroney, whose father owns
an art gallery. Uh, Dusty,
a little birdie told me you own a fart gallery.
Is that true? This is… Well… Yeah, thanks for the ad. It’s a nice gallery.
Smells terrible. Uh… Uh, yeah,
the wedding seems nice. My sister Jennifer got married,
and it was a lot like this. I mean, fancy food.
They had, like, what, five-week-old beef? That’s the only beef
we ever ate. At this wedding,
the only food we had was rice. We threw it at ’em, and
then we picked it up and ate it. Vanessa, I’m sure
you have something nice to say -about this.
-Yeah, no. I was just– It was kind of the first
I’m hearing of it, and I would have loved
an invite. Oh, that’s right. You know, I got an invite, -but I’m
in the spillover chapel. -Yeah. Embarrassing. I’m there with–
It’s her publicist and friends from high school
and, uh… That’s what I’m saying. Right? It’s a very, very small wedding. -Yeah. -They’re only inviting,
like, 150 people, which is about twice
the number of people who saw the last X-Men movie. Oh. No, he didn’t. (applause) I’m flying out there with
the caterer from Red Sparrow. Uh, and we… Splitting a room. We’re gonna go
to the spillover chapel. I’m still doing that joke. -Um, she…
-I like it. By the way, she’s tall. Was she on the show
when you were there? -She was. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tall. -She’s really tall. -I remember her being tall.
-And she’s got heels on. This dude must be super tall. Don’t-don’t encourage him,
David Spade. Like, this is everything
that’s wrong with straight guys, that, like, a random straight
guy in a white T-shirt thinks he gets to marry
Jennifer Lawrence is not okay. That’s a level of entitlement
that’s just ridiculous. Like, he’s not hot
or a billionaire? What is he offering? (laughter) I didn’t look at it that way.
That’s right. I… -But she was…
-I can tell you personally. Tall is not enough. (laughter, groaning) I hope it’s not… I can tell you that
white T-shirts are not enough. I can tell you I’ve learned
a lot in the last 30 seconds. (laughter) Uh, well, in superficial news, a cosmetic surgeon used
an ancient technique called “Golden Ratio”
to determine that Bella Hadid is the most
beautiful woman in the world. Vanessa, you look like
you got A’s in science. What…?
Do you believe this? I just… Well, first of all,
I was wondering if this… uh, if this guy
who did this test was my uncle, because
he’s always talking about how perfect my nose is
for being a Jew. (laughter) (applause) -Yeah. That’s nice.
-Good for him for doing this research,
but, um… Yeah, I don’t know.
I just feel like we have a hard enough time
as women. We don’t need to be like… -Yeah. In this contest? -…held
up to this ancient standard. -Yeah.
-I think it’s disgusting to, like,
rate people’s physical features on a scale of one to 100. As a gay man,
we only rate things between four and,
like, 12 and a half. (laughter) I… (applause and cheering) (Spade mumbles) I… I don’t get the chin.
99 points… -I’ve never been that into
chins, you know? -SPADE: Yeah. My wife has one,
I’m glad she has it. It makes it easy to talk. Her Golden Ratio rating is high. It’s way higher than mine. Actually,
the guy that did it… Do they have a picture of him?
It’s just one guy. -Yeah.
-That’s a little wispy. Like… Hey, that is my uncle. (laughter, applause) Who gets a PhD in deciding
which women are hot? Is he, like,
firing a large hadron collider to determine ass thickness? -(laughter)
-SPADE: Hadron collider? Also, the metric unit of
ass thickness– the Mega Lizzo. SPADE:
Oh. I feel like
he DM’d a hundred girls, and the first one that answered,
he’s like, “You’re the winner.” -Yeah.
-Um, people say she hasn’t had plastic surgery,
and here’s a before and after. Uh, I think she’s a…
First of all, she is pretty, but she’s had…
Something’s happened. I think
she had her eyes switched. -(laughter)
-Is that possible? I’m sorry. Like, a nose job
in L.A. isn’t plastic surgery. It’s just L.A. puberty,
you know? (laughter) She said
she’s had a little contouring. I’m like, “Yeah,
with a hammer and chisel.” BAYER:
Okay. Bella, you might feel
a little jackhammer. (imitates jackhammer
whirring and buzzing)