I like our apartment. I like our bathrooms. I have ONE gripe with our bathroom, though, and it’s the way that it’s set up, it’s configured in such a way where, when you’re standing in the shower and you pull back on the shower curtain, that main mirror is right there. And I’m not usually ready for that. Like, it’s normally if you’re gonna be naked in front of a mirror, you kind of psych yourself up a little bit, right? You’re just—you’re like, “Alright, here comes the mirror, alright…” And you just flex the whole time, here, in front—”Hey, you look pretty good today! Alright, just brush your teeth— “There we go, put in my contact lens, alright. Alright, you deserve a pizza, good for you. Alright.” Somehow, I forget every morning: I get done with my shower and turn off the water, put my shampoo back, pull back the shower curtain… I’d rather see a Puma in my bathroom than my naked disappointed foggy self looking back at me. Also, whoever was that designed the mirror to go down to here? We need to talk, because… I’ve also discovered that kind of my personal self-confidence in my body is directly correlated to wherever I wrap the towel around myself. Like, some dudes wrap it around here: stop it. Uh…I like to go, like, right aro—if I could wrap it around my neck, that’d be… Make like a cape-poncho kind of thing. That’s… That’s the look I’d like. My wife and I, we did try and get into good shape for, uh, for our wedding. I’ve never really—never really had, kind of, a—a physical fitness goal to get towards. Uh, my wife does like to watch a lot of soccer, and… And if you’ve ever watched soccer with a girl, it is—because those players are ridiculously good-looking, uh, and in tremendous shape, and it’s actually kind of like a level of physical fitness that I feel like anybody can attain, which I think is why it’s kind of even harder to watch, like, I don’t want to just see a whole bunch of me if I actually applied myself, like… I think that’s part of the reason why soccer’s had trouble catching on in the U.S. the way it has with the rest of the world, is that we like our athletes to just be genetic freaks. So that we’ll be watching, we’re like, “Well, I’ll never be that big or that muscular, so I don’t even have to try, awesome. Where’s that cheese blizzard I was working on again?” And you can actually even watch other sporting events with a girl and feel okay about yourself: you can watch the NFL. It’d be like, “Sweetheart, would you like it if I was, you know, 6’6″, 250 pounds, would you even want that?” “No, that’s too big! That’s not what I…that’s too many muscles, we couldn’t fit on the couch when we… watch Grey’s Anatomy. You’d scare the cat. [giggle]” You watch the NBA with a girl: “Sweetheart, would you like it if I was, you know, 6-foot 8″ like that guy, would you want that?” “No, that’s too tall, it’s too tall! [giggle] Cos we like to spoon, and that’d just be like… “I mean, like a spoon and a…and a ladle, just…” But if you try watching soccer with a girl, and you’re like, “Sweetheart, would you like it if I was, you know, “6% body fat?…had a fauxhawk?…spoke Italian?… “Sweetie?” “Yeah, I really would, actually! “I’m just saying, you could do it, you guys are the same height! He’s—he’s like six years older than you, he… “He looks great. No, finish your burrito, I’m glad you like burritos, I’m just… “Just—just saying he probably doesn’t get winded when we make out, so…” It’s a fair point. That’s a good point. Subscribe to Dry Bar Comedy for even more of the world’s largest collection of clean comedy.