– Wanna see a magic trick?
(empty box hits floor) – No.
– All right. – Are you sure?
– Uh-uh. – It’s a good trick.
– Nah. – Last chance.
– No, final answer. – Please?
– No. – Please.
– No. – Please!
– No! – One trick.
– No! – This one.
– Nope. – Okay, no?
– No. – No, I’m gonna do it anyway. – No, no, no, no, no.
– Yep, yep, yep. – No, no, no.
– Yep, yep, yep. – No. (snarls)
– (snarls) – Chocolate Bar from Hell,
Brandon Farris from Arkansas. (wrapper crinkles) Is your package from Hell, too? Dear Lord. (laughs) Finally, good Lord, I mean Satan. (laughs) Cerreta, Cerreta Deville? Is that the demon who package it? (coughs) It’s not even (coughs) hot. (coughs) You got something
to say, just say it. I have a little something I’d
like to send you, Cerreta. My armpits are crying. (grunts) My heart feels angry, I got Cheez Whiz. Oh, that’s some salty cheese. (mumbles)
(food hitting armrest) Stop looking at me, I’m fine. Someone bought me this
wood burning kit set thing. I don’t really know what wood to get, so I just went to Home
Depot and got these, which I think are samples that I paid for. Also, about six months ago, I hit 100,000 subscribers on YouTube. They never sent me my
plaque, so I’ma make my own. It’s a little big to be a plaque, so I’m gonna easily and effortlessly break this board in half
and then I’m gonna burn it. All I have to do is assert
my dominance one good time. (board slams into leg
and clangs onto floor) (sharp inhale)
(cries) I forgot I was left-legged. (board slams into leg)
Jeez! Going do the two-step. (laughs) I didn’t think it’d have to come to this. (thud)
Yeah? You trying to break a board, too? (several thuds) (board rattles)
I’m going do the two-step I’m gonna crescent moon kick it. (board rattles)
I just had a bee fly in my pants, he
said casually. (laughs) Look at these pants, don’t
mind the sunburned knees. There’s a hole in the back, too. I can’t show you that, it’s
privates, it’s my privates. A bee literally flew into my knee hole. I was literally the bee’s knees. My knees were the bees at the
moment, I was freaking out. Other people’s lives
flashed before my eyes. I know my knees look
bright white, like daisies. That bee found out pretty
quick, can’t pollinate a knee. No, ow, would something pinch me. This is what happens on my walk. It’s just constant pain. How do I know if I’m filming? How do I know if I look good,
what if a hair is astray? I’ll take it and I’ll love it as my own.
(fake cries) How to make a balloon person? Isn’t that called something else? Okay. I think I figured out why
people call it a catwalk. No, I’m not gonna take my hat off. (nails scratch floor)
Y’all, my cat’s crazy. What’s new, pussycat? My cat’s name before I
adopted her was Racer. I just thought it was a really cute name. I didn’t know it was her occupation. She doesn’t stop, she hasn’t stopped, running since I got her. She’s just building gigantic thigh muscles on her arms. I don’t, shut up. (laughs) It’s like that scene in Forrest Gump where he’s a cat and
he just keeps running. Not only does she never
stop, ever, always running, but she also sneezes every 33 seconds. I’m talking human-sized sneezes. She immediately turns into a
47-year-old man named Darryl that has Cheeto dust in his beard. Actual snot, a handful of Gorilla Glue, projectiled out of her nose and gets plastered onto her face. And then I have to take
a tissue and wipe it off like she just a Teen Choice Award. (imitates sneeze)
She also does some pretty cool stuff, I’m not gonna lie. I’m also not gonna tell the full truth. I’m gonna lay low here in
the middle area for a bit. Right before I left the house to come get this Java Chip Frappuccino that y’all been making
fun of the whole time in the comments section, I
was saying goodbye to my cat, but I’m from the South, so
it took me a clean 14 minutes to say goodbye. I was just telling her how she could be anything
she wants to be in life. I’m on my seventh, “Okay, bye,” before I see a fly fly around her face. She’s sitting on the
windowsill looking out the, she ain’t even paying attention to me. I’m still talking at her,
’cause I know she can hear me. I’m wrapping up my ninth goodbye. Meanwhile, the fly gets about right here. My cat turns around, eats the fly, makes direct eye contact with
me, and then lets the fly go. Releases it like a flock of doves. How are you not freaking out right now? That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. I’ve been around you most of your life, it’s the coolest thing you’ve ever done. (hard rock music) (hands drumming)
(thuds) I just went to Starbucks to get a drink. Not this one, this one was free. This one was just sitting on the counter and the guy was like,
“You want this, too?” And I was like, “Yeah!” I said it just like that. I guess someone did a mobile order, but never came and picked it up. So, of course, I took it, it was free. Don’t bite the hand that
gives you free Starbucks. Don’t be biting people’s
hands, it’s gross. Now I know why the people
didn’t come pick it up. Turns out, “Hey, you want a free drink?” actually means, “Hey, will you eventually throw
this in the trash for me?” I took a gamble, I lost. It’s nasty, now I’m stuck with it. – Unique, New York. Say a good T word, babe. – Pterodactyls, tirade, towns. (Maria laughs)