I just don’t want anything penetrating.. Hit’s you in your gut! As you know my name is Stewart Vornbrock. I’ve been working here at the Ellensburg School of Technology and Dance As a reporter for the past three years now. My previous story on the recent addition of the student jousting fee was met with harsh critisicm. However, it did open the eyes of many would-be impoverished students. And now I would like to shed some more of this perverbial light. On another touchy subject- Another plague that has inflicted this University.. Cafeteria Food Here in the ESTD Cafeteria, Dancers and Technicians alike mindlessly eat, meal after meal. On the daily. But do they even know what’s really in their food? Excuse me. Do you know what’s in your food? Uhhhhh……. Just as I thought, another cog in the machine we call higher education. But Vornbrock, you ask.. What just is in our food exactly? Well I’ll tell you.. but you won’t like it. Garbage. Do you know what’s in the food? Uhh kind of.. I touched horse hair in the back before. There you have it. Now watch closely at this surveillance footage taken at 6:47 in the A.M. Here we see Edna Grabbins. Local cafeteria worker, and winner of “Best Hands” in Lunchlady’s Quarterly Magazine in Spring of 2014. Pay attention, if you blink, you might miss it. Let’s get an enhanced frame-by-frame. Freeze. As you can see in this image.. The bag of garbage seems to levitate! Straight into Miss Springs’ “Best Hands” As you can see, Miss Grabbins is grabbin’ more than just food. What does this all mean you ask? The answer’s simple.. Witchcraft. {Long Musical Sting} That’s right, Miss Grabbins is a fully practicing witch. Don’t believe me? Take a look at these hidden photos we found in student archive. How could this university willingly hire a witch? Are all the lunch ladies here witches? Is this going to be another case of Hansel and Gretel? Is this University eating our studen- Stew.. Mrs. Grabbins has worked here for 10 years, since her husband died.. And you.. Want me to run this? You can’t keep pulling stupid shit like this, okay? You get me a story on Rick the janitor being a mummy, that I can run! A mummy, of course! Now get outta here! Demonic Voice: He’s on to us! {Thunder Booms} {Classical Music}