hello welcome back to my channel it has
been a while I definitely miss uploading like I haven’t uploaded in like almost
three months or something like that or maybe more than three months I don’t
know it’s been a while I guess I’m just gonna talk about what’s been going on
with me and why I haven’t been creating like I love and impassionate about doing
this is gonna be a kind of difficult video for me to make I actually already
filmed this video once before and I just don’t want to be that girl that cries on
camera so I plan to actually I don’t plan on it I’m just sure it will happen
I am sure that I will pop my crying on camera cherry one of these days I just
don’t want it to be today I want to make a kind of like serious somewhat sad like
honestly like this is gonna be kind of a sad video I don’t know I feel bad like I
it’s so funny because I really do do this for me I do this because I love
YouTube I do this because I love to make videos and for the last three months I
have not felt at all like myself and for the last like four or five days maybe
I’ve actually started to really feel happy again and more like me and I
rediscovered my passion for writing which I had actually lost which has
never happened to me before and it was really difficult so let’s start with a
couple of like more easy topics for me to talk about many of you know that I am
pregnant I’m very excited we’re thinking about names and it’s a girl and we are
just I mean I’m just so I’m like so excited that I’m going to be a mommy
and you know I’m halfway through my pregnancy and I don’t know if you guys
know this but I’m pretty sure I probably did some complaining on Twitter but
during the first two months of my pregnancy I was pretty much in bed like
20 hours a day and I was just exhausted and my doctor was like all right it is
kind of weird but okay but maybe let’s check your vitamin D levels and
apparently it turned out that I was low in vitamin D which can cause you to feel
like more tired than you really are and so I went on vitamin D and I improved my
levels from like 14 to 29 so I feel like my energy levels have improved and that
was just like that was a very minor thing like it’s no it’s not a big deal
like I it’s just like one of those small things that I figured I would put out
there because I’m avoiding talking about the real stuff that happened um you
might remember that I wasn’t uploading that frequently in like December / January
that was because I was basically in bed with morning sickness which I
don’t know why they call it morning sickness they need to change the name to
all-day sickness okay and I was all day sick all day for like two months and I
was not uploading whatsoever and well not whatsoever but like I only uploaded
like two or three videos maybe four I’m not sure in December and January and I
was just like I can’t I just physically could get out of bed like I wanted to
but I just couldn’t and so like January rolls around and I’m
like starting to feel better you know coming up on the second trimester
and I was just starting to feel better you know I’m starting to feel a little
bit more energetic and like I not ill and I was like alright great so I made a
video my last video about my college like why I didn’t go to college right
after high school so after that video I was all excited
because I was like it like I’m gonna get back in the swing
of things here I’m no longer feeling ill constantly um that sounds terrible
I feel so bad right now because that’s the truth that’s just the way I felt you
know like I was literally in bed for 20 hours a day and I really don’t know if I
should I feel like I shouldn’t have to apologize for not feeling well um but I
I feel bad anyways because that’s just how I am so I was really excited because
I’m starting to feel better again and I was like okay I’m gonna film this
weekend and the first weekend in February rolls around and I get a
message from my cousin to call my grandma and I was really worried because
I know that my grandpa has heart problems and he has been in the hospital before
and you know so I’m you know I’m pretty worried when I call her and I was like
is everything okay and she told me that um that my father had passed away and I
was devastated um you know I’m not gonna cry on camera I
already said that I’m not gonna cry so I spent that weekend you know reflecting
and mourning and um spending time with a family that I have
in Memphis and just you know going through this news that I got this
horrible horrible news that I got and just trying to understand it because
he’s he was a very young man he’s only 55 years old um so it was really
difficult when we hear that news so I spent a long time just trying to
understand how this could happen and I don’t think I’ll ever understand it a
couple weeks later I had actually already planned a trip back to Canada um
so I went on my trip back to Canada so you know my plane tickets were booked
and everything also it was a I think it was really important for me to go back
and you know talk to my family and reminisce and be there with them and for
them to be there for me I spent two weeks in Canada and that was
the end of February just before I left for Canada we took our cat to the vet
and we found out that she had cancer and the vet told us that she would have a
few months before it became too painful for her to eat despite any medication we
might be able to give her and make things more comfortable for her in
reality by the time I got back from Canada she was already at that point and
she was no longer eating she was no longer able to be a cat you know do cat
things and it was really sad to watch something that had been so alive just a
few months earlier get to that state she died a week later so here I am growing a
life inside of me and everything around me is dying it was a lot to deal with and I spoke to
my physician and I asked her if she thought it would be a good idea for me
to get a therapist and she said yes it’s better to process these things now as
they’re happening rather than wait and have them be you know more difficult to
process later on the healthy thing is to go through all the grief now and so I
got in touch with the therapist and I have been seeing her once a week
and I really think she’s helping so far we’re still like I’ve only seen her like
four times so we’re still in the kind of getting to know you a bit phase of the
therapy and sometimes like sometimes one therapist is a good fit and another time
that they’re not a good fit so I’m still kind of trying to feel that out and see
she’s a good fit for me I think she is but um we’re still in that like initial
phase of things but so far I found it helpful and it has helped me so far to
like see things in a different way or to understand why I’m feeling the way I’m
feeling and how to how to process those feelings one of the ways that I process
my feelings is through my creative outlet so I love to write and I found
that I have lost that joy I had lost that joy of writing and I had lost my
that I had lost the joy of expressing myself on my videos which is another
thing that I loved doing and when I when I realized that I no longer had that joy
in me to do the things I loved that was really when I realized that there’s a
lot I need to process and work through before I can get back on camera or even
just write a blog post and I tried to write I think I might have
one thing right I think I did publish one thing so in the last three months
I’ve published a total of two blog posts which is like nothing and one of them
was about my dad and just because I was trying to get my feelings out there and
I thought that writing would help me cuz it always done this it always helps
me to write and I don’t know if it helped me this time but I had to write
something. After I started seeing my therapist I did start to feel better and
be able to process the news that I got from Canada but I have other goals for
therapy too I know that I still have some issues to work through
from my childhood I’m over a lot of it but something triggered my anxiety when
I was in Canada and I realized that I’m not completely over everything um some
of the stuff like that I put on my channel like I’m completely over that
like um when I was homeless or like when my parents left me with neighbors like
that I’m literally completely over those things but there’s certain other things
I’m not over and I realized it after I had my anxiety triggered while I was in
Canada and so part of my goals with my therapist is to figure out like what it
is about those things typically that made me anxious or like just how to deal
with anxiety in general as well as how to process the grief that I have
surrounding the death of my father the last thing that happened to me and this
is why I took another like three weeks off so I’ve actually filmed this video
before but like I said I was crying in it I just don’t want to post that I know
you guys won’t judge me but I I just don’t want to be that girl you know I
don’t want to be that girl least not yet anyway I’m sure I will be one day I’m a
highly highly empathetic person like so if I like see a video of a dog on
Facebook I like start crying like it’s it’s kind
because but so the reason why this video is like even another three weeks the
league Irie film until now because I started having some other health
complications related to my pregnancy basically I would go to sleep at night
and I would wake up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding and this
happened like every day or every other day for a week
and then one night it happened like every single 20-30 minutes maybe I go an
hour one time of actual sleep so I was woken up several times that night with
just my heart beating out of my chest and I was like I can’t do this anymore
I’m not sleeping and this is just not healthy I you know I know it was so I
got in touch with my doctor and she sent me no cardiologist now if you’re
following me on Twitter I was like a photo of like me was like a cardia
cardiology monitor thing on and I was like it’s just a fancy necklace I’m fine
like I didn’t really know that I was fine I was just trying to maintain a
positive attitude cuz honestly if I stress about something that’s even worse
like because your blood pressure goes up when you’re stressed which is bad so I
was just like trying to remain like positive and my family was really coming
together around me and they’re like you’re gonna be okay and um I had to
wear this monitor for a day that just recorded all of my heartbeats and there
was nothing really serious on it so he’s like something I want to medicate you
for it’s just um you know heart palpitations which is what it’s called
apparently it’s really common during pregnancy and sorry the baby just kicked
so it like distracted me but anyways and I have another appointment in six weeks
just to follow up so hopefully I’m still doing okay
and they don’t need to medicate me for anything I haven’t actually had heart
palpitations in the last week and a half so I actually have been sleeping again
and I’m just so happy because I have rediscovered my joy of writing I spent
like three hours writing a blog post that’s basically just gonna say similar
stuff to what I’ve said in this video so far and I wrote that and I’m so happy
that I finally like I was like this makes me happy again oh that’s awesome
so I’m feeling more like myself again and I’m just so grateful for that
and I feel like like I have done some work to get here I have processed some
my grief I have been to therapy I have been staying like going to the gym and
just try to take care of my nutrition and I just I really feel like just
taking care of my health and my nutrition and my mental health has
helped me process this a lot faster than I think if I had done nothing and I am
really grateful for that so I’m really lucky that I have been able to
rediscover my love of writing and rediscover my love of filming and that
is why I’m here right now talking to y’all so I hope that you’re doing
amazing and you’re happy and that you’re having a good day or evening or whatever
in case you can’t tell I am in a hotel room because I actually just came back
from a meet-up with self publishing with Dale Dale Kelly published his wife and
Helen Kinson and it was a lot of fun and yeah so I just missed this so much so
I’m just so happy to be here we’re like doing this or whatever I honestly hope
that you continue to follow my journey I’m sorry
away for so long it makes me sad but I know that you’ll forgive me or you won’t
and you’re like “unsubscribe” but um thank you so much for being here Thank you later bye okay so this is the
bonus part of the video um this is just gonna be a voiceover I am currently
staying at the Red Roof Inn in Columbus Ohio because I just got done of a
meet-up I know that all the really fancy beauty and YouTube gurus do like hotel
tours so I just wanted to do a hotel tour because I am very fancy too okay
back to the voiceover okay this is kind of ridiculous but okay so here we have
our lovely heating and air conditioning unit that is only sort of too loud to
sleep with it on and then we have this bed I find this bed to be not
comfortable whatsoever something is poking me yeah there is
definitely something poking me and it hurts and um I don’t like it but of
course I have to be fair like my I bought an avocado bed and I love it
furthermore there is only slightly like and I have to be hon..(starts to say “honest”) like just a little
bit of a blood stain on the inside so I sleep with my clothes on um but you know
they’re trying to keep it classy you know they don’t they don’t want there to
be too much of a blood stain just a little bit right so I think that’s the
way that the marketing works you know you want to know you’re staying in a
motel I’m sorry I’m just gonna stop, of course the flashing alarm clock it’s
that’s great that’s very useful I know it’s exactly 8 hours and 42
minutes from then right now so that you know yeah um this is where I was
just filming my video right here what look at that filming space bathroom is
pretty basic but it’s actually not bad i’ll be–i’ll give them the bathroom
like it’s just it’s a boring a bathroom but it’s it’s actually okay it’s fine
you know I didn’t I didn’t notice anything weird about Oh spea- (starting to say “speaking”) actually
this is not bad hi I’m here oh my goodness um aren’t I looking fantastic
one other thing is the floors and I’m not going to just like show you the
floors because you’re not gonna be able to tell but it feels like they they
didn’t even bother to like put a foundation on the building they just
decided we’re just gonna put the hard or like this is probably laminate but it
looks like hardwood is definitely laminate but um they just like built it
on top of the gravel or whatever was here before they just tried to flatten
it maybe with like a bulldozer and like put the floor over the ground because
you can distinctly feel the changes in shape of the floor like as you’re
walking on it it is not level whatsoever it’s like they didn’t even try but
anyways I like that they have a microwave and a fridge honestly like you
can get very far with just a microwave and a fridge you’re gonna have to be
creative and then they have a TV stuff so I mean what would stay again you know
probably very few bedbugs in this hotel i’ma no just kidding I don’t know
don’t sue me okay I have not seen any vermin so that’s a good sign but I might
stay here again it’s not horrible it’s not horrible
that’s that’s do you think I two and a half stars two and a half you know but
anyways I know that a lot of people do like fancy hotel room like tours and
stuff and I was like you know what I’ve been to a motel – anyways this
angle is terrible there much better and I guess I’ll see you next time bye
I actually love going to see my obstetrician because I get to hear my
baby’s heartbeat and it’s like it’s like soothing or
something I just love listening to my baby’s heartbeat