– [DM] Our story begins at the Aguefort Adventuring Academy! – I’m Fabian Seacaster,
Bill Seacaster’s son. – Kristen Applebees. – I’m Gorgug. – I’m Adaine Abernant. – Riz Gukgak. – I’m just Fig now. – You guys all arrive at
the front of the school! – How you doing, buddy? – I’m good. – I swing and hit him in the fucking heart
(laughing) as hard as I possibly fucking can! – That’s immediate detention
for both of you, first day. – I’m gonna sneak into
the teacher’s lounge while there’s a commotion. – Immediate detention. Detention. Immediate detention. – Sounds like I got detention. I wanna find lunch lady Doreen. – Wanna be a lunch lady? – You have a spirit that I really admire. – Ragh grabs your bible and
tosses it into the kitchen and lands in a big vat
of the creamed corn. You guys hear a scream.
(woman screaming) – Scream!
– No! – Hey kids, it’s lunchtime, again! (electronics buzzing) (falcon screams) (lion roars) My name is Brennan Lee Mulligan. We return to find our intrepid heroes here in the cafeteria at Aguefort
Adventuring Academy. Now, our band of adventurers,
having just met in detention, all are now facing the lunch lady, Doreen, and a colossal, not technically colossal, the D&D size, but like, fucking big. Corn ooze, a number of
terrifying corn gremlins populating the space.
(snarling) – They’re not terrifying, they’re fucking adorable.
– They’re so cute! – They got little butts!
– Incorrect. – [Kristen] They look like
cuties in little slipper pajamas. – Okay, so they have little butts.
– Corn cuties. – They’re little corn cuties, that’s fine. But wait until you see what
these corn cuties can do! You’ve all rushed into the cafeteria. We have our intrepid heroes, Kristen Applebees, Adaine
Abernant, Fig Figeroth Faeth, Riz Gukgak, Gorgug Thistlespring, and Fabian Aramais Seacaster. You guys have already rolled initiative. A couple little bits of
housekeeping before we begin. Because there was downtime during the day, Siobhan, if you would like to recover one of your first level spell slots, through the use of your arcane recovery ability.
– Thank you, I would love that. – You may. – Yeah, we really didn’t set ourselves up for success here.
(laughing) You already used your rays,
you used all your spells. – No, just one, I still got one more! – You both have damage, goddammit. – Actually, the two damaged
individuals, you can, because you also have experienced
what we call a short rest, may roll one of your hit
die, which is I believe the D12 and a D10, unless I’m mistaken. – D12?
– A D10? – Roll that die, add your
constitution modifier, you may regain that many hit points. – Okay.
(dice clacking) – Uh, five!
– Hell yeah. – Nine plus, my max is 14.
(electronic whooshing) – [DM] So you’re back at max.
– Yeah. – And I’m one below max. – [DM] One below max, great. – I’m sorry. – Very well. We begin the battle,
plunging into the cafeteria. First in the initiative order is Fabian. What does Fabian do? – I vault onto the table and go for this first corn cutie. (laughing)
– Incredible. Go ahead and make an acrobatics check. (dice clacking) (yelling)
– Is that natural 1? – That’s a natural 1. – Okay.
– God. – Humiliating, you left
it on the field, man! – Yeah, I did, clearly. – He was tapped out. – Exactly, I’m tired, all right? – I’m kind of glad, I’m
rooting for the corn. – Okay, You leap forward and fucking trip and face plant in the rows in between the tables. You’ve used up your movement. You’re not within five
feet of the corn gremlin, but you still have an action
if you wanna take an action. – Do this so you make it look
like you meant to do that. (laughing)
– Yeah, can I stand and just
brush myself and be like, I mean, yeah, it happens, I mean, the tables are so high here! (laughing)
– So high! – I’m a runner, I’m not a jumper, okay! – Your swashbuckler has
fucking dipped and eaten it on the first action of combat. We move now to the next in the order. You guys see that lunch lady
Doreen looks up and says, oh, you kids aren’t going anywhere! And reaches up her ladle. The sole door to the cafeteria
where you guys have just come from, whoosh!
(door slamming) Is locked with arcane energy. You see dozens of
government mandated recipes in draconic and runic languages, (thumping and whooshing)
bam, slap into place. The door is sealed. – Oh yeah, I was gonna
do that on my turn, so. (laughing)
We all wanted to do that, so. – We’re all, good design of the cafeteria. – Adaine, that’s you.
– Fuck. – Just looking through
your spells frantically. – Well, so I need to be
within 30 feet of these people to cast anything, so I’m gonna go do that, one, two, three, four, five, six. Am I within 30 feet? – Um, you are not. – Okay, well, here I am. – When you’re taking your movement, you can also, if you
like, take a dodge action, which is gonna give disadvantage to anyone trying to hit you. – Oh, okay, can I dodge
and hide underneath this? – Dodge is actually, you don’t
have to do anything for it, you just announce, like I’m dodging, and if anything happens.
– [Fabian] Just get ready. Take a wide stance.
– Okay, I’m dodging. – Excellent, that’s
now going to be Gorgug. – Oh, Gorgug, Gorgug saw, not his friend, but the person he knows.
– Maybe one day. – The guy who punched him in the face, Fa. And just looks back and forth and jumps on the table to
try to hit the corn cutie. – To try to settle his debt.
– Do you want to give me an acrobatics check? – Okay, oh.
(dice clacking) I got a 8.
(laughing) – Cool, cool. – Defeated by a table. – How hard is it to jump on a table? – It’s not too hard, so you go to jump, and you kind of scramble a
little bit, but you get up there, it cost you an extra 5 feet of movement. – I’m gonna take a swing
at this little corn cutie. (snarling)
(laughing) – Aw.
– What a cutie! – It’s scary, goddammit. – I love them, I’d never think about hurting them.
– I’m sorry for hitting something so–
– Don’t you get it, they’re bad corn. – I’m almost positive, I
had a corn stuffed animal as like my primary friend for a long time. – Look, this is frightening,
and you’re all frightened. Let’s go ahead and roll that attack roll. (dice clacks)
– That’s a 10. – (slashing and snarling)
And the thing sort of flaps it’s corn husk wings
and jumps out of the way. – He’s so cute. – It’s like one of those animals which is moving so fast that it’s scary. – No, it’s cute.
(giggling) – Riz. – I’m gonna try to, let me see
if I can get around this guy, 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, can I get back, actually, can I try to get back
up around here, acrobatics? – [DM] Go ahead and make
an acrobatics check. – Oh boy, this hasn’t been
going well for people. – Aw man, this table is–
– Hey! – Oh, I got good stuff too, 17. – You’re used to having
to get up on big stuff, you nimbly flip up there on the table. – I’m always jumping on tables, guys. And then I’m gonna stab this little corn cutie with my rapier. – Go for it. (tense music)
(dice clacking) – 12? – Twelve is not gonna do it.
– Fucking corn! – Would you add to this? – You rolled, but my friend, you roll advantage ’cause you’re flanking. – Oh, dope.
(dice clacking) – Hey.
– Yes, 25. – That’ll do it! – Okay, so I get sneak attack, and my D8. (dice clacking)
9. – You guys see that
Riz, the briefcase kid, leaps onto the table and skewers this, (crunching and snarling) and you see the kernels
fall off a naked cob, as the husk dries and withers. – Sorry everyone.
– Fucked up. – One corn down.
(dramatic booming) – Now it’ll be the corn gremlins. – Damn, they roll better than me? – You got beat by the corn cuties. (laughing) – Oh, I didn’t even notice
there’s a corn cutie over there. – [Riz] There’s a corn cutie back there. – One, two, three, four.
(snarling) – [Adaine] Oh shit. – One, two, three, four. This one’s only got one, two, three. – Motherfucker.
(snarling) – [DM] Oh look, this little
guy’s gonna jump off of here. – Aw.
– One, two, three, four. This one’s gonna take a swing at Fig. (dice clacking)
– Bring it on! – And just misses just as you
hold up your guitar, as he’s (snarling) – Bass guitar. – Sorry. – Kristen. – Alright.
(singing bass lick) – This is really confusing to me because I worship the corn god, so in a way these all look like little angels. (laughing) I think I’m going to jump up on the table, so that I’m flanking that
corn god who’s attacking her. – Sure, go give me the athletics check. (dice clacking) – 5 plus what do I add to it? – Add your dexterity modifier. – Oh my god you got a 2.
– Negative 3, so I have a 2. – We’re not good at jumping. – Everyone stop jumping on tables. – I’m holding a staff everyone, I’m holding a large staff.
– You go for it, and your staff gets stuck in
between the bench and the table and you don’t quite make
it all the way up there. But you didn’t roll a nat
1, so you didn’t fall down. – Excellent acrobatics.
(laughing) Every other time, if I rolled
any other number than 1, I would have nailed it. – Kristen can go ahead, so
you don’t make it to the table so you’re not flanking, but
you still can take an action. – Okay, I can still
attack it or something? – You still attack, yes.
– Okay Ugh, god I’m sorry, cutie. Okay, I’m gonna attack
with my staff, I guess. (dice clacking)
9. – That is not gonna do it, you whiff missing the corn gremlin,
Fig, that’s gonna be you. – Alright, I’m looking straight
at Doreen and I’m saying you’re just another maternal
figure that has let me down. And I’m gonna let this
cute adorable ear of corn take an attack of opportunity on me, as I run forward towards Doreen. – [DM] It takes a swing,
what’s your armor class? – 12. – Yeah it’s gonna hit for sure. – But I can still run though, right? Or did that stop me?
– Yes you can! It deals you three points of damage with a nasty, serrated,
corn husk leaf claw. (slashing)
– Adorable, adorable. (snarling)
I wink at it, it’s so cute. – I’m not! – And then I’m just gonna come to here, and I’m gonna cast Dissonant
Whispers on Doreen, she’s gotta make a saving throw,
or take 3d6 psychic damage. – Wow.
– Wow. – Whoa, Dissonant Whispers. – That’s right.
– Can I see it? – And I say, Doreen, why did you bring these innocent corn into this? – Think of the corndren. (laughing)
– I’m worried that this corn monster is gonna
make more corn babies. – Oh, motherfucker. – And I’m worried about these tables. – These tables are the real enemy. – Who’s been waxing them, and why can’t we all jump onto them? – So, go ahead and roll 3d6. (three dice clacking) – Okay, uh, 7. – How do you cast your spell, how do you cast Dissonant Whispers? – I would play like a sick
Les Claypool from Primus bass guitar riff, just like (bass riffing) (laughing) – [DM] Waves of psychic energy. – It is so sick. – It’s so sick, it’s got like a really good rhythm.
– If it were a regular guitar, it would be so sick. (bass riffing) – Waves of extremely low, deep energy emanate from your bass guitar. – And I do as much of a split
as I can while I’m doing it. – But it’s like that
awkward, you kind of stopped ’cause you thought it would go deeper. – I’d never done one before.
– There’s like one knee there. (psychic blasting) Doreen is hit with psychic
energy, and injured, but not as badly as she
otherwise would have been. You’re gonna have to try
harder than that, sweetie. (evil laughing) – Why did you inspire
me if you had this plan? – Make an insight check for
me, if you’d be so kind. – Okay, ooh we’re looking at, it’s gonna be a 22. – 22?
– Yeah. – As you ask the question,
you look at Doreen, and see that there is no recognition in her eyes of what you’re talking about. – Spooky! – I shout to everyone, I
say guys, it’s not Doreen, the corn is what’s bad. – We already knew that!
– Doreen is just the conduit. (roaring) (squelching) He’s got a little corn butt hole, he’s got a butt hole.
– Ew! – [Fig] He’s like glam rock. – He’s got a couple of butt holes. – Covered in butt holes!
– You guys see this ooze indeed has multiple butt holes. (roaring) – Oh, and little corns come out of that. – I’m gonna stab him in the corn hole. – [Kristen] Oh no. – Ignores all of you guys, and
heads over here to this door. – [Fig] What does he want from there, get more corn?
– He’s gonna corn the door. I don’t know what that does. – I don’t know what that verb
is, but he’s gotta do it. – He’s gonna corn the door. – And you see that the butt holes all over the corn ooze’s
body tremble, quiver. (splattering) – He’s making corn babies. – No!
– You fucking knew it! – [DM] New little corn babies pop out. – I was gonna try to throw corn into that. – We gotta kill this corn mom. – Yep. – That’s gonna go back to Fabian. – Fuck.
– Well, I get up, polish myself off, then I
make sure everyone’s watching, and I go to vault this other table to get to that corn gremlin.
– Oh, shit wait! – We’re all gonna die. – Go ahead and roll an acrobatics. – Fuck you, I’m good at this. 13 plus, 19! – Nice! – So Fabian, what do you say
as you’re about to vault? – [Fabian] Everyone look, I’m good! (laughing) – We’re all distracted,
and all get attacked. – You effortlessly back flip,
three twists in the air, (whooshing) bam, and land in the space
next to this corn gremlin. Go ahead and make your attack. – Hell yeah.
(dice clacking) – 9. – That’s gonna be a
miss, I think you spend way too much time vaulting
that the corn gremlin kinda goes like (snarling) and just sees exactly where you’re gonna land and dips out of the way.
(laughs) Lunch lady Doreen looks at you. – This is awesome. (laughs) I’m sorry, it just hit me,
sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt. This is so fucking cool.
– This is a good game, people have been playing
this game for many years, thus, it’s very good. – Since the Renaissance, actually. – Really? – Just kidding.
– Da Vinci invented the game. – Wait, what? – Lunch lady Doreen
moves to the steam table and goes, I was never a role
model for anybody sweetheart. I make the rules now. – Don’t you remember
me, I played the drums and you thought I was pretty good. – You know what, I think you’re
in for a little surprise! (splattering) Dips her ladle in the tuna surprise. – I open my mouth.
(laughing) – No, don’t do it, don’t! – What’s your armor class?
– God, what’re you thinking? – 12. – 12?
(dice clacking) You are dealt, 7 points of acid damage
– No! as hot, steaming, fiery–
– Oh my god, you died. – You go down? – She was at 6.
– Bye bitches. – Were you injured? – Yeah.
– Yeah, she got hit by this one, took
an attack or opportunity. – That’s right, oh no.
– You only have 10HP? – [Gorgug] She has 9 total. – [Riz] Level 1 is nuts. – Yikes.
– This is going bad. – I have spells that I
can help you with though. – So I’m just down to 0, right? – [DM] You’re not dead,
you’re just unconscious and need to make death saving throws. Every turn you’re
unconscious you roll a d20. 10 of higher is a success,
9 or lower is a failure. Three successes stabilize,
but you remain unconscious. Three failures, you’re permanently dead. Adaine, what do you do? – I’m going to go one, two,
three, four, five, six, and then cast, or try to cast Witch Bolt on this corn machine over here. – Corn machine. – Yeah, go for it, go ahead, and I believe Witch Bolt
is an attack roll, yes? – It is, and I have plus
6 spell attack bonus. – Go ahead and roll an attack. (dice clacking) – 11? – 11 hits, this thing is a big ol’ ooze. – 1d12. – Yes, 1d12 lightning damage,
go ahead and roll that. (dice clacking)
– 8. – Adaine, you step forward, raise your goofily large orb aloft, and (electric buzzing) lightning shoots forth from the orb, (roars) and the ooze screams out in pain. – Can I duck under this table, or at least duck behind the table? – You could duck under my dead body. (laughing) – Unfortunately, you’ve used your action, you did a very heroic
thing, and now that’s what’s going on with you.
– Great, I’m brave. – That’s gonna be Gorgug. – Okay, I’m going to,
(suspenseful music) just ’cause I want you
to be able to get closer, I’m going to move to here. – Cool. – And attack that corn
cutie that’s coming at you. – Nice.
(laughing) – Thanks, pal. – And that was like five. – They’re called corn gremlins,
they called corn gremlins. – I’m hearing cutie.
– What a little cutie. – Yeah, corn cutie. – Goddammit.
(dice clacking) – 20.
(whooping) – Not natural 20.
– Not natural. That’s gonna do it, go
ahead and roll damage. – One d12.
– Fuck them up. – Fuck him up.
– Make some popcorn outta that guy. – I hit him for 9. – You look at this little
corn thing going like (snarls) (poofs) and the cob is shorn in half. – Yes.
– And the tall, lanky, loner kid behind you with the greataxe has just cleaved this
fucking corn cutie in half. (laughing)
– Fuck yeah, I mean shoot. Freaking heck yeah.
– Shoot yes. – That’s now going to be Riz. – Cool, I am going to, how close would I have to get to shoot this dude? – [DM] I think the range– – [Riz] It’s like 80 feet, right? – Oh, can I yell something
out, or is it too late? – You can yell something
out, yeah go for it. – [Gorgug] I think he’s
going for the pantry. – Nice.
– Thank you. – Did you guys not, okay
we didn’t talk about it. – I gotta stop this corn blob. – My lifeless corpse. – She shot her stomach in half. – I just wanna make, just felt like… – Your range on that
thing is great, it’s 80. You’re good to go.
– Okay, sweet. Cool, I guess I’ll just
shoot at him from back here. You might want to move
out of the way of Fabian so you’re not shooting past Fabian. – Please I’d appreciate that.
– Duck! – Alright cool, I’ll move up to here then. – Cool, you’re jumping off another series of tables?
– Do you want me to give acrobatics? – Yeah go ahead and give me an acrobatics. – Or actually, I can kinda
hide behind it, right? – [DM] Yeah, you can hide behind it. – I love our insistence
on being on top of tables. – Go ahead and roll attack. – I’m aiming right for his corn hole. – 9.
– That’s not gonna do it. – Fuck. – You guys see Riz takes out a gun in school,
just a straight up gun, like an arquebus.
– Jesus, briefcase kid. – It’s a magic gun everyone. – My cigarettes feel so tame now. (laughing) That’s what I would say if I wasn’t dead. – These gremlins leap into action. (snarling) It’s gonna be going for Adaine, and one, two, three, four.
– Goodbye, everybody. – [Fig] They look like
little grasshoppers. – What’s your armor class? – 12. – 12, ooh that’s not very good! (dice clacking) – [Fig] Grass poppers. – 8 points of damage to Adaine.
– Oh no! – Are you down?
– Are you down? – [Fig] You shoulda
hid under my dead body. – Shit. – Oof, boy. – No one look up my skirt while I’m down. (laughing) – If I’m on zero hit points, do I still have to do the death saves? – You do, yes correct,
Kristen, that’s gonna be you. – I’m actually gonna do
Bless, can I do Bless? – Yeah, so pick three
creatures to cast Bless on. – Would they be like other
characters that were in? – Yep, absolutely.
– Okay, so then everyone remaining that’s
standing has Bless now. (angelic voices)
– What’s Bless do again? – You add a d4 to pretty much
every roll that you make. – Like saving or attack. – Cool.
– Sweet, alright. – [Kristen] So there you go, guys. – Thank you.
– Of course. Thank god. – Hey, Helios. – Don’t thank me, thank Helios, thank Sol. – That’s now going to be, you also can take your move
action this turn, if you like. – Yeah, I should get closer. I’ll jump onto that first one. – [DM] This one here? – I’ll jump onto that first table. – [DM] Which table here, this one here? – No… – Don’t jump on any tables, stay down.
– If I’m in range of that, I’m adding a minus 3.
– Jump on this table. – I haven’t done anything as
a dungeon master to insinuate that you have to jump on tables. – Alright, I’m gonna roll
to jump onto that table. (laughing) – 16.
– Yeah man! – And what’s the other thing? – Well, you did a minus
3, but that’s good enough. – 13.
– 13, cool. – Hell yeah.
– Up on a table. – Get up on that table! – Tell you what, these corn
cuties may be getting us, but these tables.
– Yeah these tables. – We’re showing these tables.
– Yeah. These corn cuties took out two.
– Fig, I need you to make a death saving throw. – Okay, so what do I
got, just like not a 1? – Well no, 10 or higher is a success, 9 and less is a failure. (dice clacking)
– 14! – [Kristen] Hell yeah. – It’s a success.
– Thank you, thank you, thank you.
– You’re not dead, yet.
(gasps) – That’s now going to be the ooze. You guys see that the
ooze lifts up a pseudo-paw to smash the door of the pantry. – [Gorgug] It’s going for the pantry. – We know.
– We know. – Shut up. – I just… – Raises up a fist,
(crashing) boom, hits the pantry door
and the pantry door dents, but does not break. – Hurry.
– Okay. That’s gonna be Fabian. – Oh, he didn’t make more
corn babies this time. – Kill that corn monster. – I stab the corn monster. – Go ahead and roll that
d20 plus a d4 for Bless. (dice clacking)
– You got this. – 17.
– That’ll do it, go ahead and roll damage. – Do we include the d4 on damage, or no. – Not on damage.
– Okay, cool. – 10. (splattering) – Skewered. I’m very sorry, on that last turn. – Aw, I thought.
– Forgot about the corn. (snarling)
– Only one. – Only one, we gotta kill this big boy. – Yeah, what kind of damage
does the big boy have so far? Does the big boy have any damage?
– The witch bolt, it has the witch bolt.
– Yeah, I did 8 damage to it. – Nice, okay cool.
– Take that. – That’s the lunch lady. – She pops out a corn. – Where did that come from? – She gives a really realistic birth. (pained grunting)
– Someone hold my hand. (laughing) – It takes hours.
– One of those corn cuties. – It takes hours. – Like, we see what you’re
doing, please stop it. – That’s so gross. – I didn’t describe the whole thing. – That’s the whole campaign,
we end on a cliff note. – You see that Doreen
looks at you Kristen, standing up on the table, and goes, oh hey there little girl, you think you’re chosen of the corn god? Well, I was blind but now you can’t see. (zaps) And a beam of sickly yellow
light shoots out of her ladle, make a constitution saving throw. – Is that 20?
– d20, yeah. – That is a d20, yes. – 20, nat 20!
– Nat 20! (cheering) – Corn god, corn god.
– Divine corn-ervention. – Hold on let me just
roll something real quick. (dice clacking) You see that the light goes towards you, boom, the cafeteria is filled with light, and you guys smell the sweet,
fresh smell of popcorn. Lunch lady Doreen is knocked back and hurled into the kitchen, smashing into the plates and falling to the ground as Helios intervenes on your behalf, is that state of a natural 20. You hear a voice in your
head saying, Kristen, I love you. – I know. – Oh my god, wait a second,
so the corn god is a man. (laughing) – Why did you assume I was a man? – That was a deep woman’s voice. – Good, okay, I like that. – Incredible, next is going to be Adaine, I need you to roll a death saving throw. – You got this, girl, I seen you roll. (dice clacking)
– Fuck. – What’d you roll? – Nat 1. – That is two failures, one more failure and Adaine is permanently dead. – Oh my god. – Gorgug, that’s gonna be you baby. Should we all hold hands under the table. – [Fabian] Yes, let’s do that. – The next time that Adaine has to roll. – You won’t have to, ’cause
I’m within touching distance and I have as many spare
the dying as I need. – Thank you. – Thank. – I wanna attack this thing, but I don’t think I can
get there, so let me see. One, two, three, four, five, six, that’s as far as I can move. – That’s as far as you can
move, and you can either move further, or take a
dodge action if you want. – Or you can swing at a corn cutie.
– I’m gonna swing at that corn cutie, right, I can do that. – Oh, there’s one right
next to you, go for it. – So, my two die.
– Hell yeah. (dice clacking)
– Cut that cutie. – I got 17.
– Roll damage, baby. – [Players] Cut that cutie,
cut that cutie, cut that cutie! – I hit it for 9, wait, 11. – Bam!
(smashing) Fucking corn goes everywhere,
there’s a huge axe incision deep into the tile floor. – I say just to myself, not
so cute anymore, are you? (laughing) – What did you say, man? – [Gorgug] Huh? – You said something really quiet. – What did you say?
– You’re still holding your flower.
– To the corn. – What did you say to the corn?
– The pantry. – Oh, it’s the pantry, thinking the pantry.
– Great, great. – He’s going to the pantry. – That’s gonna now be Riz. – I’m pretty sure he’s going.
– I’m going to, just in case things get crazy at the pantry, I’m gonna try to get a little closer. How close can I get here, 5, 10, 20. – You could always hide
under my dead body, I’m offering that.
– I’m gonna try to get here, and try to shoot this
guy in the corn hole. – You get a four also.
– Ooh, aim for the corn hole. – Oh yeah, sweet.
– Thank you for blessing us. – Oh yeah, don’t thank me,
– Oh, yeah, dice is 27. – Thank god. – [DM] And you’re shooting
into the corn hole? – I’m shooting him right in the corn hole. – Damage that corn hole. – Yeah, for god. – 9. – 9 damage, you see that… – What if the next corn
baby that comes out just has a bullet in it’s face. – You fire your gun at him, (gunshot) boom, your bullet
shoots into the ooze, and you see it go (grunts). It seems like it didn’t like it, but it seems like you
wanted that to do a lot, you were trying to do
your rogue sneak attack, like where are this thing’s vital points, and it’s sort of like, it’s
a big ball of creamed corn. But does seemed injured, but just not as injured as you woulda liked. – Great, can I hide under the table, I guess I’ll try to hide.
– Cool, go for it. (dice clacking) – So much, 26. – Whew, hell yeah. – What happened to the lunch lady? – She got knocked back by god. – I mean, I know what
happened, thank you Helios, but is she, so she’s knocked out? – You don’t know yet, you
just saw her dip behind there. – K.O. – [DM] This guy’s going for you, both of these guys are going for Riz. – [Riz] Didn’t I hide? – You did hide, but that
just gives them disadvantage. – Oh, okay.
– That is really embarrassing. – I’ll make perception checks for them to see if they see you, but if they do then you’ll still get the disadvantage. – And they just find you.
– They just kick under the table.
– What’s your stealth roll? 8 plus 18, 26. – Jesus. No they don’t see you. You did under the table so all these guys are coming for Kristen. – [Kristen] Oh no. It’s okay, I’m strong.
– Got a lot of AC, 18? – [DM] Gorgug, what’s your AC? – 13. – You take four points of damage. (snarling and scratching) Two of these guys some for
Kristen, yours is 18, right? – Yeah. Your halo glows with holy light, and these gremlins find no
purchase on your sacred body. (snarling) You see that
the light glows so bright that one of the kernels on
one of them goes (popping) and it goes (screeches) and screams. – Wait, that’s a possibility? – This one goes for Fabian,
– I think we’re all gonna convert by the end. – I know. – It’s not hard to live this life,
– What’s your armor? you just have to believe.
– 16. – You effortlessly dodge as this gremlin takes a swipe at you. – Ah! (laughs) – That’s now going to
be Kristen, that’s you. – Cool, can I bolt
through these corn people, the cuties I mean, or do
I have to deal with them. – They’ll get attacks on you, if you leave their threatened area. – You do have a high AC though. – Yeah, I’m gonna do it, ’cause I would just need to touch. – She’s gonna die. – [Adaine] You gotta touch me, baby. – I gotta touch you baby. ♪ Touch me baby ♪ – Ooh, it is nice that healing is touch. They get free attacks on you, and these gremlins are too
overpowered by the light. – What is happening, is
god real, I guess so. – This specific god. – This specific god, the corn one is real. (laughs) – All of our characters just
believe in corn god now. – I definitely, it’s hard to not. – Kristen’s arc of converting you all was accomplished in the first two episodes of this show.
– Yeah, we’re done, this is it, the game’s over. – The rest of it is just
us converting other people. – Kristen, you can go ahead and roll that Cure Wounds spell if you like. – Oh cool, and do I add
this bless thing to it? – You do not, but you
have the life domain, so you actually add an additional two. So it’s 1d8 plus 6. – 1. – Adaine regains 7 hit points,
and no longer has the… – She back.
– Nice girl. – Hell yeah. – [Adaine] From death’s
door to some way alive. – Your welcome, it was nice to touch you. (laughing) – Amazing from Kristen, Fig go ahead and make that save for me. – Okay.
(dice clacking) – 5, that’s a failure.
– That’s a failure. The ooze reaches up it’s hand. – Am I seeing anything, am I having visions of my demon
daddy or anything like that? – [Kristen] Daddy? – In death, as you’re sitting there being slowly burned by, – By corn. – By corn, or by tuna surprise, you hear a voice saying, (growls) Fig, can you hear me Fig? This thing on? – (laughs) This thing? Hey, what do I, what should I call you, you feeling alright, how you feeling? – Can I talk back to it?
– Yeah, try to talk back. – Dad? – Fig?
– Is that you, dad? Yeah, you can call me Fig. – What’s wrong with you? – Oh, I’m gonna die ’cause corn. (laughing) – That’ll happen sometimes,
listen kiddo, I gotta go. – Wait, no, we just, but
I’ve never even met you. (grumbling motorcycle) Is that your motorcycle,
my dad drives a motorcycle? Oh my god. – All you guys just see Fig kinda smiling, blood is just flowing down her nose. – Oh god. – We gotta help her. – You see that the ooze reaches
it’s pseudo-paw back, and (crashes)
wham on the door again. And the door indents further,
does not fully bust through. – Ooh, baby.
– Hell yeah. We got one more chance at this. – [Adaine] What’s he even gonna do when he gets in there?
– Fabian, that’s gonna be you. – If I ran for the ooze, there would be an attack of opportunity
from the corn thing? – That’s correct, yes. – Yeah, I’m gonna sprint at the ooze, and jump and double fist my rapier into one of the butt holes. (laughing) – I’ve been working on this butt hole, so. – [DM] One, two, three,
four, five, go for it. – [Fabian] Great. – Plus the four, plus the four. (dice clacking) – 11. – 11 to hit the ooze, that hits. – Yeah, he ain’t wearing armor. Oh by the way, what’s your armor class? Doesn’t matter the corn
gremlin does not hit you. – Great, do I add a Bless to my, not to the damage roll, right? – Not to the damage roll. – Great. 12. – Nice. – Ooh, shit, you see that the ooze, does not like that. (monstrous grunting) and considers wheeling around to face you. – Whoa. – [DM] You see that the lunch lady, gets up,
– Please come touch me. – rushes forward, one, two, three, four. Or, it is three here,
and she’s gonna go ahead and automatically hit Fabian for
(dice clacking) 6 points of damage. (splattering)
As a bunch of hot tater tots skewer out of her ladle. – Tater tots. – You didn’t mention
those were on the menu. (laughing) I didn’t know those were a choice. I would’ve chosen those. – I make them for myself,
and only I eat them. All by myself, ’cause I’m crazy. – Uh-huh. – Adaine, it’s gonna be you. – I don’t know if I can do this, but can I try to use mage hand to pull the ladle out of her hand? Is that a allowed thing with mage hand? – You know what, the
ladle’s less than 5 pounds, I will make it an opposed, it’ll be Doreen’s primary caster modifier, so roll intelligence plus proficiency, and she will roll her
charisma plus proficiency. – Plus 2, great. – So, plus 6 total.
(dice clacking) – 22. – Wow, you reach your
hand out and (whooshing) the ladle leaves her hand
and goes wha-bam, hits you. She goes, no the source of all my power! I need that for my power. – She’s really laying it out for us. It coulda gone either way.
– Guys I think the ladle was the source of her power. – Gorgug, we know. – Dangit, (grumbling) Doreen
you’re so bad at being evil. – Gorgug, it is your turn. – I’m just gonna kill this one right here. – Cool, go for it. – Just to make sure you can save her. (dice clacking) That’s 14 plus 5.
– That’ll do, roll damage. – Kill him. – I got, uh 8. (slashing)
– Gone, this guy right here? – Yeah. – Toast. – Sweet. – Riz, that is your turn. – Alright, so to get sneak attack, I need to go around front of him? To be flanking him?
– Yes, to be flanking you gotta get to the other side. – Okay, I’ll just shoot him from here.
– Jump on the table. – Jump on the table.
– Yeah, that’s what we want. – Jump on the table.
– Roll for the table. This is a roll for
– I’m not rolling for – the table, huh?
– the table, no, this isn’t fun time this is kill a corn mommy time.
– Are we still blessed? (dice clacking) – You get on the table! (cheering) – 17 to hit. – That hits.
– Okay. (dice clacking) 6 damage. – Bam, this thing screams
out (monstrous groaning). That is now going to be, the corn gremlin’s turn. (snarling) This one’s gonna fly over to you, this guy’s going for Gorgug,
this ones going for Kristen. (dice clacking)
Riz, what’s your armor class? – 15.
(dice clacking) – You take 4 points of damage from a corn gremlin that attacks you. Gorgug, what’s your AC? – 13. – One deals you 4 points of damage. – [Gorgug] That’s 6. – And Kristen? – 18. – One of them slashes you. – What?
– For three points of damage. – Oh thank god, okay the god’s not real. (slashing and snarling)
That was just a fluke. – That is now going to
be, look at these little, I find them spooky. – [Adaine] So cute. – Kristen, that’s gonna be you. – Okay great, I am going to, should I just take out a corn guy, or how many rolls do you have of death? – If I were to roll a 1, I would be dead. – Yeah, okay I’ll go to her. – But I probably won’t roll a 1. – Just in case though. – It’s kinda fun to tempt the fates, I’m not gonna roll a 1.
– I mean you should go – Save her.
hang out with your dad. – This is your last chance
to ask me to just save you, ’cause I will, I’ll just save you. – I’m not gonna roll a 1. – Ally.
– She’s gonna roll a 1. – What does Kristen do? – Wait, if she dies, she’s
out for the whole campaign? – She’s dead forever. – That’s insane.
– I’m not gonna roll a 1. – That chair will be empty
for the next 6 episodes. – I would be out, I wouldn’t get to roll a new character?
– No, no, no, no, no, we’d get you a new character, maybe. – Yeah, maybe.
– Maybe, ha! – I’m going to go for that corn baby. (laughs) I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I’m gonna save her, I’m gonna save her. – [Fig] I’m not gonna roll a 1. – I’m gonna go for Spare the Dying. – One of the corns takes a
swipe at you, and misses. Go ahead, you automatically
cast the spell, you lean down, and once again the smell of sweet corn fills your nostrils, As the sound of your dad’s
motorcycle fades away. – I was with my dad. – I believe spare the
dying keeps you at 0. – Okay. – So, but you’re like part
there, but you’re stable now, your saves are erased. This ooze… (dice clacking) smashes the door.. (roaring) (crashes) Bam. – What? – Ooh! Whoa.
– That’s so cool. – What do we got, what do we got? – Look at the tons of corn. – [Fig] Barrels of corn,
I played my drums on them. – [Kristen] Oh no. – And it moves right on in there, and starts, it hasn’t put
anything in it’s mouth yet, but oh baby is it in there. That is now going to go back to the top of the order, Fabian. – Can I use Second Wind? – [DM] Yes you may. – That’s d10 plus, yeah d10 plus level, does Bless apply here, or just the d10? – Bless does not apply. – Great.
(dice clacking) 10 plus my level, which is 11. – Hell yeah, you regain. – [Fabian] Yeah back up, back up to max. – Hell yeah, oh actually I’m sorry I forgot to roll on this things last turn. – Oh my god do I have to
fight a corn cutie again? – [Adaine] Corn butts. (squelching and snarling) – So yeah, you do that bonus action, you can move and take an action now, you can do whatever you like. – Oh, okay. Yeah, I mean we charge
forward, as per usual, yeah. – And are you moving to attack
the ooze or the gremlins? – I want the ooze, I want the ooze. – Yeah buddy, get that ooze.
– Will they both get attacks of opportunities? – Depending on where
you move, you can move this way and only one
will get a swing at you. – I’ll take that. – Alright, bam right
up against this thing. It takes a swing at you, misses terribly. Go ahead and make your attack. – 21.
– Very nice. – That’s gonna do it, go
ahead and roll damage. (dice clacking) – Nice! – 14.
– Fuck yeah. – 14 damage, Jesus Christ. – Fabian is strong. Riz stands there in silence, He’s strong but mean. – You skewer deep into this
thing, and you feel something, you go blade, hilt, your basket hilt, all the way to the corner, your arm goes like part of the way. – Disgusting, oh my god, oh my god, no.
– It’s on your jacket. no, no, no, not on my pants. – You feel yourself skewer something not of the same consistency. There is a brief little
(pops) puncture of something deep at the end of your rapier. And this thing goes (monstrous yelling) and you see that all of
the little corn gremlins go (screeching) and all turn their eyes to look at you. – I hit something, there’s
something inside of the– – You don’t have to look
so awkward about it, it was probably a good thing
– No, I’m covered in fucking corn right now, alright. – One, two, three, four, five, six. – Oh shit. – She takes more than her move, she’s gonna make an acrobatics check to see if she can,
(dice clacking) she fucking face planted. – Yeah! (thudding) – Take that lunch lady. – [Gorgug] You’re confusing. – Slippery ass tables. – She just like fucking Terminator, like gimme back my ladle, whap,
into the fucking table. – These tables are a character. – Do I have an attack of
opportunity on her now? – Yeah, fuck it, go for it. – Can I fucking whack her on the back of the head with the ladle? – Go ahead, take your attack roll.
– With her own ladle? – That’s just rude. – A lunch lady’s worst nightmare. – 16 plus what? – It doesn’t matter, 16 hits. – 16, great. – Go ahead and roll 1d4 plus
your dexterity modifier. – Great. – Fucking bop. – Ladle’s a finesse weapon. – 4. – 4, she fucking it’s your
day here in your prep school, private school uniform, and you fucking brain this old lady across
the back of the head with her own ladle.
– With her own ladle! – Blood splatters all over
your refined Elven face. – Doreen! – I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry. – Every worst nightmare about this school has been completely confirmed, you walked out and witnessed a fight in your first 3 minutes of being here, stole something, had a panic attack, and just attacked one of the faculty. – Oh my god, I’m Save the Last Dance. – Gorgug, that’s gonna be you. – I feel like I to clean up
this area a little bit still, like I don’t think I can actually get there and attack them, still. But it seems like it’s gonna get worse. – We kinda got it. – [Gorgug] Okay. – He’s gonna just keep
pooping out corn babies. – I just like can’t really get there. – There’s something inside of him. – I mean, if you jump over the table, it’s pretty straight shot. – I’m at 6 health, so I’m worried that I’m just gonna get
shellacked when I, yeah. – We all are level 1, I have 5 health. – I’ve been dead this entire time. – Yeah, she’s dead, she saw her dad. – Well, you’re at 0 now.
– True. – [Fabian] Yeah, dude don’t freak out.
– So, I’m just passed out. – What’s the call, Gorgug? – I’m just gonna try to like, get to this one without doing the disengage. – [DM] Alright, so this one’s
gonna get an attack on you, give me the acrobatics to clear the table, you use Bless on that. – Yeah.
(dice clacking) – I got 15.
– Go for it, yes. You fault over the table, your
hoodie moving in the breeze as you sprint towards the corn gremlin, what’s your armor class? (dice clacking)
– 13. – 13. (dice clacking) – Little corn gremmy deals
you 5 points of damage. – I’m at 1.
(snarling) As it shreds you with it’s leaves. – You gotta kill this next one. – Go ahead and roll your attack, man. – Alright, fucking.
– With bless, yeah. – Come on y’all.
(dice clacking) Okay, Okay, 8 plus 5, 13? – 13 exactly hits, go
ahead and roll damage. – They have better AC than me. (dice clacking) – I hit it for 8. – You hit it for 8 points of damage, (cracking) it is fucking
severed, destroyed. – You can throw, is that what you said? – I can throw a hand axe I
completely forgot to add this. – That’s going to be Riz. – Cool, how big is this thing’s
butt hole, goblin sized? – Yes, this butt hole is goblin sized. (laughing) – Riz is fucking diving in head first. – Yes. – Yep, just going right in his butt hole. I yell, don’t tell anyone about this, and then I jump into it’s butt. – Someone’s getting a new nickname. – Not really helping the
ball nickname at this point. – Not at all. – I also roll up into
a ball as I’m doing it. – Now comes a moment as a Dungeon Master, where I have to consider
what associated skill check is involved with jumping
up a corn blob’s butt hole. That’s wild, that’s really wild. – Animal handling? (laughing) – I’m just rapier out up the ass. (laughing) Aha (whooshing). – I’m gonna need you to make a– – Persuasion check. – Persuasion. – Please allow me in your butt. – You must persuade the sphincter to gain entry.
– I’m gonna need, it’s not– – Is it survival?
– Acrobatics? – Survival? – Survival, I think it’s actually an acrobatics check, I’m gonna need you to
make an acrobatics check and it’s gonna be opposed by
– I got Bless, I’m blessed. a strength check from this thing, actually you know what, this
is an important enough roll, that I’d like to bring
out the box of doom. – Oh shit.
– What is that? – What is the box of doom? – Here on Fantasy High, when we have rolls of substance where
everything hangs in the balance, we bring out our little
friend, the box of doom. (dramatic music) This box is for important rolls, and we’re gonna go ahead right here, put it in front of Murph,
– Oh no, so intimidating. – So cool. – This thing gets a, a plus 4. – Okay, I also have a plus
4, I’m hashtag blessed. – You are hashtag blessed.
– Hashtag blessed. – So you’re gonna roll both
those dice in the box of doom, I’m gonna roll mine, whoever rolls higher will determine what happens. One, two, three. (dice clacking) – 21, I’m up his ass!
(cheering) – He’s up his ass!
(squelching) – And I yell to Fabian, I’m
doing this because of you! – Do not implicate me in this in any way. – You figured it out, we
need to go in it’s ass. – I didn’t figure that out.
– Fabian and Riz! – No.
– Good job! – No, okay, the Ball, stop. – You guys weren’t sure if this
ooze was intelligent or not, until this moment, because
the ooze whips it’s weird eyeless, noseless, earless
head around this gaping mouth and just goes (growls uncomfortably) with a look of confusion and shame, I’m gonna say strong shame is what you’re getting off of this ooze. – It’s been pooping in
front of a bunch of people, this is what he feels shame for? – The shame, things are
supposed to come out of there. – I’m gonna abort all
his little corn babies. – Yeah, using the innards it’s
like, get out and stay out. – Incredible, thank you Box of Doom. – Bye box of doom!
– Bye box of doom! – You’ve treated us well this time. – You guys see Riz race
across the cafeteria, rapier forward, and whuh. I wish that it was like quick and easy, but there’s a good 3 to 4 seconds of strong getting your shoulders up in there, while it’s clenching. – Don’t worry Fabian,
I’ll do it for both of us. – Stop saying my name. – One of your, nice black
briefcase kid dress shoes pops off as you’re
trying to pull your foot into the thing’s sphincter. (monstrous yelling) So that’s your movement and your action, I don’t know if you have
a bonus action right now, but you’re way in there, I will let you if you wanna
make another skill check with your turn, you can
make another skill check. – Cool, yeah I guess I’ll do investigate. (laughing) – I would like to investigate it’s ass. – Pull out the magnifying
glass and snoop around, let’s see what we can find. (dice clacking) – I am allowed to investigate 14. – Do you add 4 to it or no? – I’m hashtag blessed, 16. – You scoot around in there,
(gurgling) and you find, you can’t see ’cause you’re deep in hot corn, hot creamed corn, but you grab what feels like a fistful of something solid but very
flimsy, like either a fabric, or maybe like a piece of paper, or some kind of parchment that you grab. And you feel an incision
in the middle of it, as from a blade. – I’ll try to fucking tear it up. – But that’s your turn.
– Okay so I just have – We’re gonna go corn gremlins
– my hand on it. – he’s gonna actually
fly over, well Riz is… – Riz is in there.
– I’m in his ass. – I’m gonna remove your
mini from the board. – It’s deep inside. – [Fig] Take out the inside the corn’s asshole board.
(snarling) (laughing) – [Kristen] An inside. – [DM] Gorgug, you can go
ahead and take an attack. – Are they all coming for me? – Yes they are, you can go
ahead and take an attack on one of these as it flies
by you to get to Fabian. – Okay I guess I’ll hit
this one on the far right. – Cool, go ahead and roll your 10. – [Fabian] Hashtag blessed. (dice clacking) – I hit it for, what was it, I had 10. – 10 does not hit, so
you (whooshes) swing. These gremlins, I’m gonna need to make some
opposed athletics checks. – Am I still blessed? – You are still blessed, yes. – Great. (dice clacking) – 3 plus 4, 7. – Go ahead and make another
opposed athletics check. (dice clacking) – 17, excuse me, more than 17. 17 plus 4, 21. – You see that two of them
try to go for your legs, and you manage to kick them
away, but the other two come up under your arms, and go
(snarls) and pull you up into the air, kicking and screaming, directly over the corn ooze as it goes (sludgy groaning)
and opens it’s mouth. – Oh my god, he’s going in to join Riz. – Welcome. – And they prepare to drop you. – Temperature’s just fine. – Kristen, that’s gonna be you. – Great, and I’m gonna try to get to one of those little cornys. – Please, please try and
get your little cornys. – So that’s gonna be one,
– Fig is just dead. two, three, four, five. Cool you’re here go ahead
and take a swing at one. – Awesome, am I blessed if I
blessed three people, or was I, – You are not blessed.
– I would have to pick myself. – Can she hit the ones hoisting me, or are they the other ones? – 1, nat 1.
– Nat 1? You (whooshes) and your staff flies out of your hands and scatters. – Oh no, dang.
(wooden thumping) – That’s going to be, Fig’s still out. – Hey guys. – You can, like crawl a
little bit if you want, but you’re like burned and fucked up. The ooze opens it’s mouth
and the corn gremlins (cackling)
(whooshes and bubbling) Fabian falls. This thing is going to now
make an opposed athletics. – It’s gonna try and chew me? – I’s going to try to chew you. – It has teeth? Go ahead and make an
opposed athletics check. (dice clacking) – 6, uh 10. – 10, you are engulfed. And you sustain, 7, 9 points of damage, it just goes (sloppy
chomping) and you guys see Fabian disappear into this thing’s mouth. (swallowing) – Well, at least Riz went in by choice. – Ooh, someone throw me in there. – [Gorgug] You would be dead. – The lunch lady stands up and is going to grapple with you, make an opposed. – Do you get a attack
of opportunity on her if she stands up, or no? – Standing from prone, yeah you can get attack of opportunity,
go ahead and take a roll. – Great.
(dice clacking) – 19. – That hits, go ahead and roll that d4 plus dexterity modifier again. – Slap her, slap her with the ladle. – 5. – Jesus Christ. – We’re beating the shit out of Doreen. – I’m sorry.
(splattering) – She stands up and
says, (breathing heavily) third tries the, and you hit her so hide
in the side of the face, that her jaw breaks, and a bunch of teeth fly out of her mouth, and she passes out, hits her head really hard on the table, and falls over unconscious. – Oh my god, I vomit.
– Push her body next to mine. – You know she’s paralyzed. – Are you a murderer?
– You just Million Dollar Babied this woman. – No!
– What’d you do? – You have like a blood lust. – I definitely have a panic attack. – Go ahead and make the,
you know what, honestly you go in for it anyway, you’re done. You’re standing there, the ladle has a weird curve to it now, you’re covered in blood,
you have a fragment of tooth hanging in a gob of
blood off your jawline. – Okay. (suspenseful music)
(shaky breathing) – Alright, Adaine’s turn.
(laughing) Just standing there breathing heavily. Gorgug, that’s gonna be you. – Do I have a sense of where they’re at inside the corn monster? – Make an insight check,
make a perception check. – Perception, okay cool. (dice clacking) I got 22 plus 3, 25. – You see something screaming
in like a stomach area, with like some kind of acid
of dissolving agent in it, and then you see a much more,
for lack of a better word, industrious bulge near
one of the butt holes, that seems to be unperturbed
by the digestive juices of this corn monster. – Okay, I’m going to try to, can I try to slash out
Fabian from the mouth? – Go ahead, so here’s what you can do, you can either just take
an attack and deal damage, ’cause you won’t hit these guys. I will let you make an
attack with disadvantage against this creature to attempt to slice out Fabian. – Great, I will do that, I’ll go for that. (dice clacking) – I got uh, 15. – 15, (crunching) you slash
and there’s a momentary opening where you see Fabian’s, you slice through a congealing corn flesh
that like seams open, and you see Fabian, like half of his face, it’s like burning and sizzling, with like an arm partially exposed. What does Fabian say as this
momentary seam opens up. – Help me.
(laughing) – Do I roll damage on that, or no? – Yeah, go ahead and roll
damage for me real quick. – That’s 5, 5 damage. – Cool, this thing is
looking fucked up, gang. Riz, that’s gonna be you, baby. – Great, I have like a
piece of paper in my hand? – Yes you have like a piece of paper in your hand, absolutely.
– Okay, rip it up. – Make a wisdom saving throw for me, let me know what you get. We’ll say this is a DC
14 wisdom saving throw. – Okay, I’ve got a plus 1
to wisdom and I’m blessed. (dice clacking) – Uh, 8. – 8. You hear, as you start to go to rip it, you realize the last thing you wanna do is rip up this piece of paper, this could be a clue, Riz. God, think about all
the stuff we could learn from this weird piece of paper, why would you wanna rip it up? Don’t rip up the paper. – Rip it up, rip it up. – You may take another
action if you’d like. – Cool, can I try to just take
the paper out of it’s ass? – Go ahead and make an acrobatics
check to get out of here. – Goddammit, 7 plus uh, 11. – You start looking for the exit, and you are in a vast
ocean of hot corn-plasm. – [Riz] Fuck. – As you start to look for that door, where you cannot find
it, I’m gonna need you to make also a constitution saving throw. Call it a DC 10 constitution save. – Okay.
(dice clacking) – Fucking 5. – You take 4 damage.
(dice clacking) – What kind of damage is it?
– As you start to suffocate, because you can’t breathe
in this corn ooze’s asshole. – What are we doing in
the fucking corn thing? Get out of the corn thing.
– Cut me out! – Well, there’s paper in there, I guess. – I’ve got something, cut me out. – The corn gremlins turn
to the rest of you guys, taking some swing. These three are gonna take– – Great, now you’re flanked. These three are gonna
take swipes at Kristen, one of them hits, dealing (dice clacking) 4 points of damage to you. (snarling) And then one of them is gonna take a swipe with advantage at Gorgug. (dice clacking) What’s you AC?
– 13. (dice clacking) – You take two points of damage. – Dead, dang. (snarling) How badly injured is Kristen right now? – I have three points left remaining. – Whoo, baby, Gorgug drops.
– I’m on 1 of 7. – Kristen, that’s gonna be you. – Cool. – So you got these corn gremlins, you’re very badly injured,
you hear a shouting from inside this thing’s butt hole. – Pull me out of it’s ass. – Fabian is looking at a seam
that he can maybe escape from. What do you do? – Stick your staff up it’s butt. – Yeah, can I like stick my
– She threw it, though. – staff up to have him hold onto it? – Yes, go ahead and
make an acrobatics check to grab your staff up off
the ground, call it DC 5. (dice clacking) (scoffs)
– 2. – [Riz] Oh, you’re not blessed, fuck. – You fail to grab your staff, you fumble for it, there’s
just a lot of corn here. You’re in the path of
where the corn thing was. You couldn’t grab your staff,
what action will you take other than trying to grab the staff? – I guess I’ll attack one of the corn. – [DM] Just like take
a swing with your fist? – Grab my hand! – Yeah, can I try to reach a hand in? – Go ahead and make a strength check up this thing’s butt hole. It gets a plus 4, what’s your strength? – 15, or wait plus 2. – You get a plus 2, he gets plus 4. – 9. – You attempt to fist this corn ooze, it has learned it’s lesson, and it’s butt hole is
clenched just diamond tight. – I still know what to do.
(laughing) – That is your turn. – Am I now this? – No, it’s sort of like, kinda tried to you know, going in there. Now the ooze turns, starts
to grab barrels and barrels of creamed corn and,
(dice clacking) bursts them open, raising
them over it’s head, all the open barrels are over it’s head, it’s mouth is open, it has not yet poured the creamed corn into itself. (monstrous gurgling) That’s going to be, also, (dice clacking) (squelching) another little corn gremlin pops out. That’s going to be Fabian. – Okay, alright, so, I can see, so there’s been this seam cut. – You can make an athletics
or an acrobatics check to get out of here. – I’d love to make an acrobatics
check to get out of here. – Cool, it’s gonna be, call it DC 10. – DC 10, with Bless? – Mm-hm. (dice clacking) – Yes, 21. Oh my god.
– Jesus fucking Christ. – You burst out of this thing, so that’s your movement,
you have an action left. – Okay so I know Riz is in there, attempting to pull Riz out,
what are we working with? – You can either try to brute force your way up this things butt hole, or you can attempt to do what Gorgug did, and slash and try to leave an opening for Riz to escape from. – God. – Do you reach all the way up a butt hole, or do you slash through
the side of all that. – C-Section his ass. – What’s the check for the butt hole? – It’s a pure strength versus strength, the cutting is a disadvantage attack roll. – Okay I’ll take the, fuck. I’ll take the strength versus strength. – Yeah!
– Alright! – Am I blessed for this? – Yes, go for it.
– Great. (dice clacking) (cheering)
– 23. – You’re raw, lean, athletic frame comes into an incredible
fucking Street Fighter upper cut, boom!
(splattering) You feel your face press up against the sphincter of it’s
asshole as your full arm, all the way past the shoulder,
gets all the way up in there. And that’s gonna be Fabian’s turn. Lunch lady’s fucking,
she makes a death save. (dice clacking)
Natural 1. (gasping and hysterical laughing) – Am I gonna kill somebody on my first day of school?
– Bye Doreen. – And it was like the only
cool person at the school. – And not like a corn
gremlin or a weird monster, but like a human, a full person. – I know! – We were supposed to fix this, and then she was gonna come back to life. Nobody’s supposed to get fucking eaten, nobody’s supposed to get
trapped in a butt hole, we’re just supposed to
fight it and kill it. – We spent too much
time jumping on tables. (laughing) – That’s gonna be Adaine. You see that, the lunch
lady looks up at you, dying, and the sunken aura
disappears from her eyes, and she looks up at you and goes, the faculty, don’t trust the faculty. You can’t, it was one of them. My teeth, I can’t feel my teeth. (gurgling)
(screams) Adaine, what do you do? – Fuck, I’m gonna cast Friend
on the fucking corn monster. – Okay, go ahead and
cast Friends, go for it. – And then I’m like hey buddy, why don’t we put the corn down, why don’t we put the corn
down and let my friends go? – You see that this jiggling
mass of corn looks at you and goes (gurgling) (farts) and doesn’t appear to have a deep understanding of friendship, and mutual responsibility
to another person. Gorgug, I’m gonna need you
to make a death saving throw. – Blessed, or no? – Not blessed here. (dice clacking) Hell yeah, success, Riz that’s you baby. – I’m investigating looking for that hand. – Make an investigation check. – Come on.
(dice clacking) Fucking, 9 total. – You swim around, you can feel
something just out of reach, it’s so hard, it’s so close. – I was really hoping for
that Predator handshake, inside the asshole. – Just like right here. – These guys fly for Adaine,
(whooshing and snarling) these guys are gonna start
taking swings at Fabian, gonna take a swing at Kristen. Fabian, what’s your armor class? – 16. – Two misses. – Whoo, hand remains in this. – You’re just like (sword slashing). – Away!
(sword slashing) – That’s gonna be, what’s
your armor class, 12? Adaine, you take first 2 points of damage, and then another 2 points of damage. – Are you still alive?
– Yes. (snarling) – As they rend you, covered in blood, I’m gonna say the sleeves
of your private school thing come off, so now you’re
just drenched in blood. (yelling) That’s now going to be Kristen. – I’m going to, I have
really high persuasion, can I try to persuade the corn thing to not pour more corn on itself? – Make an insight check. – Okay.
(dice clacking) – 19 plus what’s insight?
– You think that these corn gremlins are actually more possessed of a mind than the ooze is, the ooze is not getting a lot of social graces, but it’s up to you what you
wanna do with your turn. – Alright fine, I attack a corn. – One of the gremlins, cool go for it. (dice clacking) Not great? – Not great, what do I add to it? – What are we rolling? – What’s the number you rolled? – 4
– Such ass for three turns. (swishes) – I have been face planted the entire time.
– That’s a swing and a miss. – Fig is still out. – Can I bash my head against
– We really didn’t start – the wall just so I can do
– with our game face. saving throws again? (laughing) – The ooze pours the creamed
corn into it’s gullet. (grotesque swallowing) And you see it starts to
grow bigger and bigger. It’s wounds all heal, all the injuries you guys have made on it heal. That’s going to be
Fabian, that’s your turn. You’ve still got your arm all
the way up that butt hole. – Are there rolls I could make
to make it easier, or find, fuck you.
– Three corn gremlins pop out a butt hole.
– Fuck you, is there some way I can
make it easier for Riz, is there anything I can
do, or could I like, I feel like it’s either that, or. – What is it you wanna try to do? – Anything that I can do to make it easier or more apparent for Riz that
my hand is where my hand is. – Oh no, you can just take the help action and give him advantage on his next roll. – Okay, fantastic.
– Yeah, cool. You take the help action. – Do we all have help or just him? – Anyone has help that wants it, So you can be doing stuff to like help people and give them
advantage on rolls if you want. Lunch lady is gonna make
another death saving throw. (dice clacking) (tense music) Remember me. – No! – As I was. – A single woman of some years, – [Adaine] I killed a old lady.
– who made pre-prepared meals. – With a ladle. – For children. I asked for nothing, and I didn’t choose for this to happen to me, it’s your responsibility
to make this right, because you killed me, you did it. Only you, and you didn’t
have to, you chose to. These were your choices
and you live with them, remember my face every
time you close your eyes. (choking) – Jesus. – I kill myself? (laughing) – And she passes from this mortal plane. – I am not gonna be able to sleep tonight. (laughing) – That’s going to be Gorgug
in another death save, or sorry, Adaine, that’s you. – Can I cast Friends on
one of these little cuties? – Sure, you can cast on a little cutie. – Great, and then be
like, go for this dude. – Yeah you can make a
persuasion check if you like. – Great.
– Remember back when they were all fun, and we weren’t all dying. – I know, we thought they
– Yeah, and now we’re on – were so cute.
– nineteen of them. – 15. – You get advantage, so you
can roll again if you like and take the better roll.
– Oh, okay. (dice clacking) – 15. – What do you say to
the little corn thing? – I say, that guy was talking about you, you should attack him.
(laughing) (snarling)
– He’s saying really bad things about him, yeah him, him! Fuck that guy, right?
(snarling) – And he turns and lunges at
the corn gremlin next to him. – Yeah! – That’s gonna be Gorgug,
make a death save. – Who knew they had egos.
– I know. – 7. – It’s a failure. – [Riz] Gorgug. – Riz. Okay, so I get advantage, right? – You got a lot of
advantages rolling today. – Okay, investigate,
looking for my man’s hand. (dice clacking) Okay, that’s great 19 plus, 25. – That’s going to do it, you
feel a goblin hand right here. – The worst personal Predator. (laughing and yelling) – So slippery. – And I’m gonna say because
you’re ready to yank him out, go ahead and make an
acrobatics check right now to try to slip out of this thing. – Please.
– Cool. – To try and make yourself like a pencil, so you really slip out of that asshole. (dice clacking) – Creamed corn lube. – Beat a 10.
– 7 plus, 11. – 11 will do it.
(cheering) – Great, back on the table, baby. – You rip Riz out of there,
and a slimy piece of parchment falls out of his hand,
covered in strange runes. Kristen, you’re standing right nearby, can you make a knowledge
religion check for me? – Yes.
(dice clacking) 8 plus, 10. – You look at it and see
there are runes here from the strange realm of the nightmare king, runes of darkness and midnight, runes against Helios and Sol. This is a page of darkness and
a warping of the true gospel. And it is a testimony
to the force of night and darkness itself. A piece of horrible dark magic. Riz, sprawled on the ground, corn gremlins see this happening, Riz is back out on the board. Fabian you can take an
attack of opportunity on one of these guys. – 15, Jesus. – 15, go ahead and roll damage. (dice clacking)
– 12. – You skewer one as it flies past you, but they are surrounding you. That’s going to be the corn gremlins turn. Riz, what’s your AC?
– 15. – They both miss.
– Fuck yeah. – Fabian what’s yours?
– 16. – 16, one of them hits you for (dice clacking)
3 points of damage. – [Riz] We gotta kill that paper. – Hey, I got you out of that asshole, make it worth it.
– Yes, thank you. (snarling) – With a freshly fed corn
ooze, and more corn gremlins than there have been on this battlefield at any point before, it is
now Kristen Applebees’ turn. – So I could either go to ruin that paper, or I have a freaky idea,
so I’m holding this, this book of Talos,
– Get freaky, get freaky. – Can I cast light on this book of Talos and throw it into the blob? – [Riz] Oh god. – Like a sacred, blessed book
into the middle of this blob? – Yeah, you could totally do that. – Should I do that though? – Just destroy the fucking paper, dude. – I like this idea, I think go for that. – Do whatever you want to do. – Why don’t you do
both, why don’t you like stomp on it as you throw the book. – Yeah, can I take my
staff and slam it down on this cursed piece of
paper while throwing my book? – Go ahead and make an acrobatics check just pick up that staff, DC 5. – Alright, pick up the staff, nat 20! (cheering) – Light fills the room and the
staff flies into your hand, (dramatic booming) go ahead and make an attack
roll on that parchment. (dice clacking)
– Nat 1. – You summon the staff into your hand, throw the staff down at
the piece of parchment, slip on the corn. Your staff is glowing with holy energy, and you take 3 points of falling damage. – That was all I had. – Your staff is still
glowing, and you (grunts) slip, bam, head on the ground. – What a disaster.
– We have to destroy this paper! – The ooze turns around and is going to take a swing at Riz, what’s your armor class?
– 15. – Oh my god, oh my god.
(tense music) – That’s a miss. Fabian, I’m gonna need
a death saving throw. (dice clacking)
– 3. – That’s a failure, Adaine? – I cast mage hand and
grab the piece of paper. – (whips) You grab the piece of paper, the paper flies to your hand, Gorgug, I’m gonna need
you to make a death save. – Okay.
(dice clacking) Nat 1
– No! – [DM] That’s two failures. – Yeah, I’m dead. – He’s dead.
– Oh my god. (laughs) – [Riz] Gorgug! – Gorgug’s dead, Gorgug is dead. Gorgug’s straight up dead. – Wait, I have something I think, right? – I don’t think you have
anything that would, you don’t have Revivify yet.
– You’re unconscious. – Dang. – Fully dead. – Does one of the teachers have Revivify? – That’s true, if we have
his body, maybe later if we got out of this.
– Wait, when I did mage hand for that thing that was my entire action, I couldn’t rip it up as well? – No, I’m afraid not.
– Fuck! – My god, this is fucked. – Riz, that’s gonna be you. – Cool, I am going to, I am going to disengage from these cornys. – [DM] Cool. How far can I get here,
one, two, three, four. And then I’m gonna tell
her to hold up the paper, and I’m gonna try to
shoot it out of her hand. – Rad, roll on attack, you
still have that Bless active. – This is insane. – Yeah this is wild. Oh my god.
(dice clacking) – 18, 24. – Go ahead and roll damage. – How many fucking point of damage does this fucking piece of paper have? – 8. (gun firing) (air poofs and papers flutter) – Disappears in shadow (groaning) (farts) – The ooze dissolves into nothingness, and in a blast of light, (popping) corn flies everywhere as
all the gremlins disappear. – Yes, but oh no! – Oh my fucking god. – Oh boy, do we see that
he’s dead and not breathing? – I don’t know if I’m allowed to speak, because I’m dead too, or I’m at 0, but I think we can bring his body to a, – I’m gonna try to run and try
to find like a priest here, – Yeah.
– like a cleric or something. – You guys, so Riz, you
sprint out of the cafeteria, so the only people that
are still alive right now are Adaine and Riz. We’re not done yet, you
can run if you’d like. Kristen and Fabian are still
making death saving throws. – Okay, I guess I’ll start with, – You can make untrained medicine checks. – I’ll make an untrained medicine. – I’ll also do an
untrained medicine check. Fuck, 13?
– Cool, hold on one second, that was Riz’s turn, so Kris, I’m gonna need you
to make a death saving throw. – Oh yeah. (dice clacking)
19. – Cool, that’s a success, no worries. Fabian, I’m gonna need you
to make a death saving throw. – What if I roll a 1 and I also die. – Oh my god.
(dice clacking) – 6, 2. – That’s now going to be Adaine. – Because I’ve met the teacher, can I Message him down the corridor? – Which teacher is this? – The teacher who was
in detention with us. – Mr. Gibbins, yes you can message him. – Great, can I fucking scream
really loud in his ear? – Cool what do you scream? – Everybody’s dead. – Wow, that’s a lot of
– Help us, everybody’s dead. – strong feelings. – Everybody’s fucking dead,
get in the cafeteria right now! – Mr. Gibbins opens the door. – What? – Well Doreen is dead, so
the arcane lock is gone. – Motherfucker.
(laughing) – Real quick, so that’s
Adaine, Gorgug is fully dead, Riz, corn gremlins, oh Riz it’s your turn. – Great, okay, I’m gonna
try to bring her back and hopefully she can
bring other people back. Okay what is medicine, medicine is wisdom, so I got a plus 1 and I’m blessed. (dice clacking)
22. – You fully stabilize Kristen Applebees. – Meaning I’m back with some health? – No you’re still at 0.
– Just at a 0, okay, yeah. – Oh, so she’s not even
awake, she’s just stabilized. – Just stabilized. – Sorry, can I do that on Fabian then, ’cause he’s almost dead, and she’s not. – Sure you can do that with Fabian. – Okay, so I’ll just
bring Fabian back to 0. – Oh thank you, I was
like oh really, okay fine. – I have one success and you – have two failures.
– I forgot that it wasn’t like getting them up to 1 HP. – So now Kristen, you are making
another death saving throw. – Don’t get a 1.
– 16. – [DM] Cool, you got a success,
is that two successes now? – Yeah.
– Cool. – Aw, Gorgug, I loved you. – I’m sorry I hit you, okay? Maybe if I hadn’t hit you.
– It’s okay. – Now you see that Mr.
Gibbins opens the door, looks out and goes, wow,
now this looks like a lot. This looks like a whole lot. – There are dead people in here, do something or get somebody
who can do something. – Okay, if that’s what you want. – Right fucking now! – You see he sprints out of the cafeteria. – I’m covered in blood. – Still got that gob of tooth there. So Riz, it is your turn again. – Cool, I’m gonna sprint out in the hall. – Kristen is still making saves. – She is?
– Yep. – Fuck. – But I have two successes
and zero failures so far. – Cool, I’m gonna take my chances then. I sprint out into the hall, can I do like an investigate check to see if I know where any kind of clerics
would be or anything like that? – Sure, make a investigate
check, go for it. (dice clacking) – 21. – You rush back into the
place you broke into before, you see the door is still slightly ajar, Aguefort’s office is there. – Cool. – You duck into the office
and you see Principal Aguefort who’s sitting there, (slurps) uh. – A student is dead we
need to revive him somehow. – Dead?
– Yeah. – Right this way. And you see that he ducks, he like grabs a couple
things off his shelf and ducks and runs down the hall. (anguished moaning) – This is insane. – You run back with Aguefort, Kristen I need you to make
another death saving throw, if you’d be so kind?
– Yeah, of course, and I’m not dead I’m just in an in between consciousness, talking to my god, 2. – [DM] That’s a failure. – [Riz] At least it’s
not a critical failure. – [Kristen] Yeah. – Fabian’s stabilized, Adaine, as Mr. Gibbins runs,
do you do anything else here? – Yeah I mean, I guess I’ll go and try and stabilize Kristen. – Go ahead and make a medicine check. (dice clacking) – 8. – You don’t quite know what you’re doing, you’re covered in blood
and you’re scared, sadly. Kristen, I’m gonna need
another save from you. – Oh yeah, alright. (dice clacking)
– 5. – [DM] That is a failure. – I have one success and one failure left. – It’s down to it. – I don’t like this full count. Riz and Principle Aguefort
rush into the cafeteria, you see that Aguefort raises
his hand, holds it out. You have advantage on your
last death saving throw, so you roll 2d20 take the higher roll. – Oh cool. (dice clacking) An 8 and a 3. (gasps) [Adaine] Oh my fucking god. – Did I die? – Full dead, yeah.
– Yeah, full dead, okay. (sorrowful music) – What the fuck is happening? (laughing) – We really came into this like la di da, and it was like a hard challenge. – We all called them corn cuties,
we all acted like it was– – They were corn cuties, we spent time jumping up and jumping down.
– Hey, they were still cute, it was the blob.
– A bunch of our shit was gone by the time we got here. – The enemy was a piece of paper. – You guys see that Principal
Aguefort and Mr. Gibbins walk into the room. You see that Principal Aguefort looks at the people who have fallen here, Adaine you’re covered in blood,
Riz you’re covered in corn. He looks at Mr. Gibbins next
to him, and you see he says, (melancholic music) death is a part of life,
eternal and unforgiving. It exists around us in all places for energy can neither
be created nor destroyed. – Can you fucking do something or not? – Death is an old
friend, it’s a glass of– – Are there clerics, or
priests, or anybody here? – It’s a spoon, when
all you need is a knife. – This is Alanis Morissette
lyrics, I know I’m dead, but. – You see he says, death waits for us all, with the exception of some immortal beings such as gods and vampires,
some form of undead, but death waits for many of us, maybe not elves, elves are immortal if they live in their homeland. – Riz takes off down the hall and tries to find somebody else. – As you take off, you see he says, however there are times when
great magic can work wonders. – You motherfucker. – You see he reaches into
his coat and takes out a swirling ball of fire, surrounded by pieces of red feathers. He says, the egg of the last phoenix. However, death will exact it’s price. There’s foul play in this school. Only you can save us, a life
for a life, eh Mr. Gibbons? You see Mr. Gibbons says, I’m sorry what? And you see that Principal
Aguefort takes out a gun and shoots Mr. Gibbons in the head. (wheezing)
(yells) And then takes the gun and says, the price must be paid, blam, and shoots himself in the head. Gorgug and Kristen, you come back to life. – What the fuck? – Wait, the lunch lady,
what about her life, it could’ve counted for one of them. – You’re all back at full hit points. – What the fuck is happening,
what did you just do? – We gotta go guys, Riz just
starts like cleaning up. – Can someone take my body please? – Everybody’s at full health. – Everyone is at full health, you’re surrounded by fiery phoenix. – Is this still going, if I
kill myself will I save Doreen? Is there a magic energy? – You are surrounded by fire flame energy. The fiery flame energy is gone by the time you are fully back. – So if I kill myself, it
won’t bring Doreen back? – You don’t think it will.
– Kill yourself to save the lunch lady? – You don’t think it’ll bring Doreen back. – In episode two. – But you see that Mr. Gibbins and Principal Aguefort are both dead. – He just had a gun? – This is gonna look like it’s our fault. – Also someone told you that it was the teachers who did all this. So were these two good
teachers, or were they involved?