Alright, when I was a kid, I can remember
getting into a lot of neighbourhood arguments Somebody always had a problem about something You’d argue about
who was gonna be Oddjob in GoldenEye 64 You’d fight over who’s gonna get the wiffle ball
out of the neighbourhood sex offender’s backyard And if you got a pack of Starburst, well,
hell you’d fight over who’s gonna get the red ones Because I’d be damned if I was gonna get
those yellow Pinosol-tasting pieces of shit! And there was nobody I argued with more,
than my next-door neighbour Michael Because Michael was an asshole! And a liar! Now, I’m gonna give you an example of an argument And I’m gonna break it down into three phases: The first phase is
Michael saying something completely untrue Totally fabricated and borderline retarded “One time my dad was on
an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger” “Shut the fuck up, Michael, no he wasn’t!” “Yeah-huh! He was a bad guy
and he got to roundhouse Chuck Norris!” “Oh my God, Michael, you are a fucktard, Jesus!” “Don’t call me fucktard Jesus!” “I didn’t call you fucktard Jesus!” “I know you are, but what am I?” [Phase two] Michael repeats the phrase:
“I know you are, but what am I?” Over and over again,
until he’s fucking blue in the face “I know you are but what am I?” “I know you are but what am I?
I know you are but what am I?” “I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I?!” “Michael, shut the fuck up, before I crack you
in the face with this fuckin’ Vortex football” Which was a bluff, I wouldn’t hit him Because if you did hit Michael, he’d fucking cry And he’d run in his house, go get his mom And she’d come outside and yell at ya *Cocks the gun* But you know what, sometimes it was worth it!” *Whoosh, slap!* [Child crying] “Oh, shit!” “Here, Michael, hit me back!
Hit me back, quick! Make it even, hit me back!” *slap* [Child crying] “Hey, he hit me back! We’re even!” But if you managed to not pummel Michael’s face in And give him a Lindsay Lohan makeover,
you’d advance to phase three “Yeah, well, my dad could beat up your dad!” “My dad could beat up your dad..”
That’s right. Before we were battling Pokemon,
we were battling each other’s dads! “Your dad could beat up my dad, Michael?!
That’s funny!” “Because, uhm.. number one, no, the fuck he can’t!” “And number two, your dad works at Home Depot” “Yeah-huh, my dad would.. uh.. bite off
all your fingers, like they were.. fish sticks!” “Shut the fuck up, Michael, what are you talking about?
What is your dad, a goddamn Rottweiler?” *Growls and barks* Like that was really what we were fighting about I could see myself just walking up to my dad: “Hey Dad, can you go outside
and fight Michael’s dad?” “What the hell are you talking about?!” “I’m saying get out there and go whoop some ass!” “Because I’ll be damned, if I’m gonna have
some little itty-bitty bitch Daddy!” [Bell rings] “Aaaand in this corner.. he’s been stealing
his neighbour’s cable for six years..” “TYYYYYYYYLLLLEEEEERRRRRR’S DAD!” [Crowd cheering] “Aaaand in the opposite corner..” “He once drank five beers in three minutesss..” “And he was a bad guy
in an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger” [Tyler from the crowd]
“NO, HE FUCKIN’ WASN’T!” “MICHAEEEEELLLLSSSS POP-POP!” [Crowd booing] [Bell rings] But, you know what, that never happened I wish it did, it would’ve made
a better story, but it didn’t And you know why? Because it was
fucking stupid as hell, that’s why! That, and because my dad would’ve put
Michael’s dad in a fucking hospital!