I went to jail not too long ago, it’s crazy. I’ve been out 20 years and went to jail on the way
to take my son to school. You can get caught
with 4 ounces of marijuana, it’s a ticket, Class B.
I read it. Verbatim. Read every sentence
of that shit. I know it. It is a ticket,
ticket, Class B, ticket. So, I get pulled over, and the man said,
“Can you tell me why is a strong aroma
of marijuana coming from your truck?”
And I said — I’m being very cavalier
’cause I know the law. I said, “Um, I don’t know
about strong, but… [ Laughter ] But it’s right there in that
little ashtray right there.” And he’s like, “Can you step
out of the car?” I’m like, “No.
Can you write me a ticket so I can go about my way?
I’m taking my son to school.” Man, you know, this man,
he done call so many people over half a blunt, it look like
they done busted El Chapo. [ Laughter ] So, boom, I’m in the back.
The man taking me to jail. I get to jail,
and I’m very, very cavalier, because I’m the spokesperson
for a bonding company. Yeah. Yeah. I got
a bonding company on deck. And the commercial says, “Midtown Bail Bond. If you got to jail,
we’ll get you out.” So how the hell
they gon’ leave me in there? I’m the spokesperson. [ Laughter ] Your goddamn spokesperson
can’t be walking through jail. “Ain’t you the spokesperson?” “Nope. They fired me.”
It’s crazy. Clearly, I’m not going
to be here long at all. And the officer said,
“In order to get a bond, you got to see the judge.” I said, “Well, shit,
where the judge at? Let’s get it popping.” He said, “I’m-a see
about you seeing a judge, but right now, we need to put
you in this holding cell.” And when I’m about
to walk in the holding cell, the man told me,
“Hey, let me get them shoes.” I say, “What you need
my shoes for?” He said, “‘Cause we can’t
have you killing yourself while you in this cell.”
I said, “Brother, let me explain something to you. Y’all busted me
for a half a blunt. You should be embarrassed. And I am embarrassed
for somebody who got busted the first time
with 5 kilos of coke. Now you got me here
on a goddamn half a blunt? I’m ashamed of me and you.” [ Laughter ] ♪♪ Hey. What’s happening? -So, really.
-Can I get up here? You know, out of respect,
where you want me to sit? I don’t want to be
on your pillow.
I mean, this is hers. -Whose bunk?
-Help yourself. Jail boos, I don’t want
to be disrespectful. [ Laughter ] Has anybody in here
ever been to prison? I’ve been.
Went TDC plus treatment. What grabbed me really
about your act tonight was the fact that you said,
even after 20 years, you found yourself
back in that same situation. Well, after 20-plus years, I found myself
in the same situation, which is right here. Um, I graduated
from that program, went to college, got a degree,
went back and worked at the same facility
in which I was an inmate, so… -Get out of Dodge.
-And once again, here I am. Like I used to tell my clients, it’s a matter
of timing and circumstances, basically, is what it is, timing, circumstances,
and your choices.